Anybody have any good jokes, i know its not GAA related but its a slow time of year. its a good joke, not a great joke, but a good joke Two nuns are drivin down to mass and suddenly dracula jumps out in front of them scaring the bejesus out of them, quick! says sister assumpta, show him your cross! sister mary winds down the window and shouts "Get the **** outa my way you ******* ye!" thank you

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 24/10/2008 15:26:15    126014

Who is this joan_balantine? Definitely one of the regular posters pretending to be somebody else?

The question is who?

Loyal2TheRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 4522 - 24/10/2008 15:31:39    126019

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

bad.monkey (USA) - Posts: 4624 - 24/10/2008 15:32:45    126022

Ah did someone call for me?

Folowing the banking troubles al over the world, uncertainty has now hit the banks in Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 24/10/2008 15:41:54    126028

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded.'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.' 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the ******' skippin'

Laughing.Gravy (Dublin) - Posts: 404 - 24/10/2008 15:44:22    126030

Two aeriels got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was brilliant.

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 24/10/2008 15:44:58    126032

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to seek his help in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor. 'Not a chance,' she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.' It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!.' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor?' 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flyin', ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute feckin' nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the *** your husband provided wasn't good'? 'Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the *** was fine indeed! 'Twas the best *** I've had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Bewleys again.'

Laughing.Gravy (Dublin) - Posts: 404 - 24/10/2008 15:45:56    126033

A driver is stuck in a major traffic jam just outside Dublin on the M50
motorway.

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a Garda knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his
window and asks, "What's going on?"


"Pensioners have kidnapped Brian Cowen, Brian Lenihan & Mary
Harney, and a bunch of Bankers.

They're asking for a ?30 million ransom, otherwise they're going
to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car taking up a collection."


The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"


"About a gallon."

daytona11 (Kildare) - Posts: 4012 - 24/10/2008 15:46:15    126035

ive said it before rmdrive and ill say it again, you sir are a scorcerer!!! genius.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 24/10/2008 15:47:45    126036

Two snowmen in a field, one looks at the other and says, "can you smell carrots?".

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 24/10/2008 15:48:24    126039

This woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the barmaid gives her one!

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 24/10/2008 15:48:56    126041

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to
empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer
yanks off his balaclava.
the robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts..
'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a
counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his
gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is
heard from a distant corner..



'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

Laughing.Gravy (Dublin) - Posts: 404 - 24/10/2008 15:50:04    126045

Why do elephants have big ears?



cus noddy wouldnt pay the ransom.

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 24/10/2008 16:01:18    126063

A man walks into a bar and gets a bang on the head...

It was an Iron bar!

Laughing.Gravy (Dublin) - Posts: 404 - 24/10/2008 16:05:14    126068

There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.

"I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window."

Fredthered (Donegal) - Posts: 1144 - 24/10/2008 16:31:47    126096

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.

Htaem (Meath) - Posts: 8657 - 24/10/2008 16:37:02    126104

An Irish man walks into a pub. The barman asks him, "what'll you have?" The irish man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the barman brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The barman says, "You don't have to order three pints at a time. I can keep an eye on you and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh pint."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together." The barman thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the irish man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The barman said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The irish man said, "No, No my brothers are fine............I just quit drinking."

ferm (Fermanagh) - Posts: 239 - 24/10/2008 16:38:24    126107

Oh by the way lads did i tell yous that im getting a tattoo? Ye im getting a W on both my arse cheeks so when i bend over it spells WOW!!!

Htaem (Meath) - Posts: 8657 - 24/10/2008 16:39:01    126109

paddy english man paddy irish man and paddy scotsman travelling through the rainforest when an ancient tribal group stop them. they will be killed unless they pass a task of the leaders choice. firstly they must pick 100 items of the same kinda fruit. paddy english man gos first he picks oranges . the leader says stick them one by one up your bum . if you fail you will be killed , hes gets to 7 then cant take it any more and they kill him there and then second man to go is paddy scots man he has 100 grapes and after the second one he burst out laughing so they are about to kill him whern the leader says paddy scotsman why you laugh after the second one , he says i wudda been ok only i saw paddy irish man was picking pineapples.

redhandman (Tyrone) - Posts: 431 - 24/10/2008 16:40:19    126111

Right time for a dodgy one.....

What happens to Cuban's when they get a flat tyre?




= They drown.

jimbodub (Dublin) - Posts: 20600 - 24/10/2008 16:42:10    126114