Q. Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A. They had pictures of Meath players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What do you have when 100 Meath fans are buried up to their neck in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. What do Meath fans use for birth control? A. Their personalities.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Meath fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A. Shoot the Meath fan - twice.

washer (Westmeath) - Posts: 39 - 01/12/2008 21:10:24    154246

A Monaghan Footballer (no not a woman!), a meath Footballer and a Cavan Footballer (obviously played in the 50's!) were out fishing on Lough Sheelin one day when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in their boat.

The boys were gob-smacked! "Jaysus" was all they could say in dumb harmony!

The monaghan man said humbly (Yeah right!) "Jesus, me back's been at me ever since I played U16 football against Meath many moons ago. Can you do anything for me? Jesus touched his back and he was relieved of the pain for the first time in 44 years.

The Meath man, sporting a pair of thick black rimmed glases with milk-bottle-end lens, "I haven't seen the stout in front of me since I got a hit in the 1965 under-21 championship match against Dublin. What can you do for me." Jesus gently removed the antique glasses and flung them into the lake and immediately the Meath man could see as far as the Tower of Lloyd in Kells.

Jesus then turned to the Cavan man who leapt to the back of the boat and cried "Don't put a finger on me - I'm on a disability pension!"

daWARRIORS (Westmeath) - Posts: 26 - 01/12/2008 22:34:47    154323

Heard them all before washer.

But seen as how we're pulling old jokes out of the woodwork hows about these ones:

Q: Who were the last duo to play centre-fielder for Westmeath on all-ireland final day?........Foster and Allen!!!

Q: Why do Westmeath footballers cycle womens bikes?........Cause they can't get their balls over the bar!!!

Q: How many times has Westmeath defeat Meath in the Championship? 0.00000 (kind of a joke itself)

Ps, don't get all uptight about that last one, im only tuggin the aul legs.

Htaem (Meath) - Posts: 8657 - 01/12/2008 22:36:05    154327

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in offaly and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a offaly fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are offaly fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a offaly fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a offaly fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a westmeath fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a westmeath fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from westmeath, and my mum is a westmeath fan and my dad is a westmeath fan, so I'm a westmeath fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a westmeath fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a MEATH FAN

washer (Westmeath) - Posts: 39 - 01/12/2008 22:54:35    154346

Eamon o brien sent scouts out around the world looking for a new centre forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Meath are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Meath.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship. Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're ******* sorry???? It's your fault we moved to MEATH in the first place!"

washer (Westmeath) - Posts: 39 - 01/12/2008 23:09:24    154366

washer
County: Westmeath
Posts: 30

154346 A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in offaly and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a offaly fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are offaly fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a offaly fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a offaly fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a westmeath fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a westmeath fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from westmeath, and my mum is a westmeath fan and my dad is a westmeath fan, so I'm a westmeath fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a westmeath fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a MEATH FAN


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sad,not even remotely funny when you put in meath fan.
that jokes told on the dubs!

the seal (Meath) - Posts: 583 - 02/12/2008 10:30:22    154532

Hey Washer, I think the funny thing is that you lot only exist because we kicked you out...think about it....WEST-MEATH. :)

sheepshooter (Meath) - Posts: 626 - 02/12/2008 10:51:41    154562

Ha kicked us out, thats the biggest joke, what age are you? must be pretty young, Did you go to school?

BigRon1 (Westmeath) - Posts: 80 - 02/12/2008 12:57:44    154645

thank god ye kicked us out. id hate to be classed as a royal..

AskUreSister (Westmeath) - Posts: 160 - 02/12/2008 13:24:48    154660

What's the difference between a Meath GAA jersey and a school uniform??


You can see school uniforms in September.

AskUreSister (Westmeath) - Posts: 160 - 02/12/2008 13:56:22    154695

What does a meath man do after beating wexford?


Turns off the playstation and gets into bed with his cousin!!

daytona11 (Kildare) - Posts: 4012 - 02/12/2008 14:31:22    154739

Read the rest of the posts bigron, its all a bit of craic....

sheepshooter (Meath) - Posts: 626 - 02/12/2008 14:39:24    154754

I'm liking this thread!!

Hopefully a few other counties with a bit of rivalry will get involved!! More than welcome a few jokes about my native county too!!

Sure its mighty craic altogether!!!

would_ya (Westmeath) - Posts: 51 - 02/12/2008 15:18:06    154802

Daytona 11, your obsession with Wexford is quite disturbing.

Coylers Elbow (Meath) - Posts: 1075 - 02/12/2008 16:02:18    154864

Q. What's the difference between the Meath goalie and Pamela Anderson? A. Pamela's only got two t**s in front of her.

sprintbyeme (Westmeath) - Posts: 15 - 02/12/2008 16:20:07    154877

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MEATH FAN AND A LABRADOR?
A LABRADOR HAS PERSONALITY

sprintbyeme (Westmeath) - Posts: 15 - 02/12/2008 16:33:35    154893

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what there fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy,
Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet
and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a g*y club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and stay the night with them."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Edward, "He plays Football for Meath but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

sprintbyeme (Westmeath) - Posts: 15 - 02/12/2008 16:35:07    154895

Obsession? No it's just a joke I have heard and am relaying it on. I have no obsession with that county. However I have to admit that I am a little jealous. With the local rivalry between Kildare and Meath I would love it if Kildare could go on thatkind of run against them!!

daytona11 (Kildare) - Posts: 4012 - 02/12/2008 16:53:52    154915

1) Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."
2) Thou shall always ate the skin of yer rasher.
3) Thou shall always stand at the back during mass, or even better
in the pcrch talking.
4) Thine wife shall emulate Biddy from Glenroe.
5) Thou shalt emulate Miley.
6) Thou shalt "suck diesel."
7) Thou shall pretend to know all about "The Headage."
8) Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.
9) Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your
trailer.
10)Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back
window of all vehicles.
11)Thou shallt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.
12)Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or a "good Sally Rod" for
beatin cattle.
13)Thine sons shall play GAA.
14)Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.
15)Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.
16)Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Treshing,Kickin'Cabbages and
the Corncrake.
17)Thou shallt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from
"the top of the parish."
18)Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" at all the GAA matches.
19)Thou shalt hate "Those Backs**d the Tans".
20)Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.
21)Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yolla'.
22)Thou shalt carry the A.I Man's mobile number on you at all times.
23)Thou shalt not visit Dublin ( except to Croker and to bring the
wife shoppin' on the 8th December).
24)Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all
Steam Rallies.
25)Thou shalt always know how to reek turk bether than thine
neighbour.
26)Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers. 27)Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.
28)Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather".
29)Thou shallt have many injuries from "that Ho***r of Charlois I
got from that cowboy calf-dealer."
30)Thou shalt wear cap crooked.
31)Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially"The Quiet Man." 32)Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin'
upstairs."
33)Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.
34)Thou shalt drown cats.
35)Thou shallt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.
36)Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end pit when trampling
silage.
37)Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.
38)Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the
phone while he's with "the bit of stuff".
39)Thine favourite chat-up line shallt be "Howya fixshed for a bit of
howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.
40)Thou shallt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round
bales.
41)Thou shalt never leave the country.
42)Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic
soap.
43)Thou shalt have a heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is good for
nothin' except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.
44)Thou shalt read the read the Farmer's Journal.
45)Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing
them for being "pure *****" at every given oppurtunity.
46)Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After Dinner Mints
or Silvermints.
47)Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.
48)Thou shalt refer to soccer as "The Foriegn Game."
49)Thou shalt always sing the dirty line to "Alice".
50)Thou shalt always recieve Communion on the tongue,
licking the priest's hand in the process

sprintbyeme (Westmeath) - Posts: 15 - 02/12/2008 16:58:46    154923

THE ABOVE IS THE MEATH MANS GUIDE TO LIFE ^^^^^^^

sprintbyeme (Westmeath) - Posts: 15 - 02/12/2008 16:59:53    154925