Man walks into a fishmongers with a large Salmon under his arm.
"Do you do fish cakes " asked the man.
"We do yeah " replied the fishmonger.
"Well can you do one for this fella ....... he's 2 today.

AthCliath (Dublin) - Posts: 4347 - 09/05/2014 17:07:37    1585904

I was addicted to soap,but Im clean now.

cuederocket (Dublin) - Posts: 5084 - 09/05/2014 18:11:14    1585934

Jimmy is in hospital with gangrene& has to have his leg amputated.

Day after the operation the doctor comes in & says "Jimmy, I have good news & bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Jimmy says, "Let's get the bad news out of the way first".

Doctor says "We took off the good foot off by mistake. So you will have to go back down & get the foot with gangrene off in an hour".

Jimmy says "Jaysus Doc, that's terrible, what's the good news?"

Doctor says "The fella in the bed beside you wants to buy your slippers".

MuckrossHead (Donegal) - Posts: 5028 - 09/05/2014 20:27:19    1585978

Before the big match the other day Roy Hodgeson was asked
How close are you to a world class team? Very close he
replied. Brazil are staying in the hotel next door.

Mulligan Eamonn (None) - Posts: 896 - 21/06/2014 14:10:48    1606756

The English team visited an orphanage in Brazil. "It's heart-breaking to see so many sad faces with no hope", said Jose aged 6.

Miler (Mayo) - Posts: 1015 - 21/06/2014 18:09:18    1606830

You might be a redneck if:
- Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
- The diploma on your wall includes the term "Trucking Institute."
- Your house has wheels but your car doesn't.

mikeyjoe (USA) - Posts: 415 - 22/06/2014 12:39:53    1607058

You no why miss piggy can't count to 70
she gets to 69 and she gets a frog stuck in her throat !!! Happy Friday .

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 03/10/2014 14:24:22    1659775

Genuine complaints received by Thomas Cook. These people can actually vote!!

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

MuckrossHead (Donegal) - Posts: 5028 - 27/05/2015 14:35:34    1729108

This thread reads like a veritable who's who of posters past and present, some missed and some not so missed!

brendtheredhand (Tyrone) - Posts: 10897 - 27/05/2015 15:02:43    1729126

What did the pink panther say when his auntie died?

Dead Aunt
Dead Aunt
Dead Aunt Dead Aunt Dead Aunt Dead Aunt Dead Auuuunnnnnttttt!

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9151 - 27/05/2015 15:23:38    1729140

Did u hear about the 2 Cavan men who invented copper wire?They both found the same penny.

cuederocket (Dublin) - Posts: 5084 - 27/05/2015 15:39:13    1729152

Arise "Friday Afternoon Wind Down Jokes" thread.

waynoI (Dublin) - Posts: 13650 - 01/04/2016 10:57:19    1840010

How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a bucket of shite in the living room!

moylagh (Meath) - Posts: 484 - 01/04/2016 11:16:36    1840030

I told a pal i set up a business selling dog poo for 400e per week.
"That's gross" he said.
"No,that's net!"
.

cuederocket (Dublin) - Posts: 5084 - 01/04/2016 11:21:03    1840034

An Englishman,Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.Barman says "what is this some kind of joke?".

cuederocket (Dublin) - Posts: 5084 - 01/04/2016 11:27:29    1840039

*** FILM IDEA ***

Admission Impossible

Tom Cruise spends 2 hours denying his homosexuality.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9151 - 01/04/2016 11:41:27    1840050

For the week that's in it, 1916 and all that:

Eamon de Valera walks into a bar in West Cork and says to the barman: 'I'd like a Michael Collins'
Barman says: 'What's a Michael Collins?'
Dev, 'You know, a Michael Collins ... one shot and you hit the road' ...

TheHermit (Kerry) - Posts: 6354 - 01/04/2016 13:52:20    1840136

Playing golf yesterday and on the first hole i hit the "Adolf Hitler" - two shots in the bunker!

cuederocket (Dublin) - Posts: 5084 - 01/04/2016 14:01:13    1840142

ill go for worst joke of the day

What did one snowman say to the other

Jaysus theres an awful smell of carrots

KY4SAM2015 (Kerry) - Posts: 898 - 01/04/2016 14:15:23    1840155

Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche

Hardtimes (Cavan) - Posts: 1056 - 01/04/2016 16:23:56    1840242