A guy tried to start up a pub on Mars.It didn't last though.There was no atmosphere in there.

joncarter (Galway) - Posts: 2692 - 03/05/2013 14:23:31    1378306

fortyfive, put down the christmas crackers and back away

TheMaster (Mayo) - Posts: 16187 - 03/05/2013 15:35:34    1378370

Latest HS joke .... are you a Catholic or Protestant or are you just normal like the rest of us.........cop on lads

kikfada (Louth) - Posts: 2091 - 16/05/2013 12:16:08    1385031

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water! He must think I'm some kind of Mug.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 16/05/2013 16:26:17    1385238

cicfada voting for adams shows how 'normal' ye are in louth!

commercials1 (Limerick) - Posts: 115 - 16/05/2013 17:52:32    1385309

fella went into mountjoy jail the other day.
said he wanted do portraits of all the inmates at a good price,,

obviously a con artist...

petejoeduff (Donegal) - Posts: 329 - 16/05/2013 18:04:58    1385323

Got feckin caught out in a scam today again

BE CAREFUL IF SHOPPING IN SUPER VALUE OR ALDI

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Aldi for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends....
... ...
Here's how the scam works: ...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On May 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4.30 in the afternoon.
PS Aldi are getting a heap of cheap wallets in on their Monday special.

beal (Mayo) - Posts: 1388 - 16/05/2013 21:01:55    1385449

A lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the barman gives her one...

beal (Mayo) - Posts: 1388 - 07/06/2013 19:43:43    1401516

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_System_%28Gaelic_football%29

I have read some funny stuff down through the years, but this
GAA comedy piece is in the top pile. Here is an excerpt:
"Now they are the "FC Barcelona of Gaelic football"-with
Mark McHugh cast as the Lionel Messi of the team". LOL ;)

TheGateKeeper (Tyrone) - Posts: 2843 - 21/06/2013 17:18:49    1412469

Competition: choose the greatest football team ever...best joke ever!

beal (Mayo) - Posts: 1388 - 21/06/2013 17:47:02    1412484

The Pope visits Dublin and is giving a blessing on the streets of Ballyfermot.

"Now" he says, "I can feel the presence of God! Does anyone among you require help from God?"

"Yeah, I need help with me hearing" a man exclaims.

The Pope places his hands on the man's ears and bows his head in prayer. Lifting his head, he asks the man "Now my friend, has that helped?"

To which the man replies; "How would I know - me bleedin' hearing's not till next week!"

cavanman47 (Cavan) - Posts: 5016 - 21/06/2013 19:28:34    1412545

What's red and hurts you teeth?

A Brick!!

dblackandamber (Kilkenny) - Posts: 92 - 21/06/2013 21:27:24    1412621

cavanman47
County: Cavan
Posts: 233

1412545 The Pope visits Dublin and is giving a blessing on the streets of Ballyfermot.

"Now" he says, "I can feel the presence of God! Does anyone among you require help from God?"

"Yeah, I need help with me hearing" a man exclaims.

The Pope places his hands on the man's ears and bows his head in prayer. Lifting his head, he asks the man "Now my friend, has that helped?"

To which the man replies; "How would I know - me bleedin' hearing's not till next week!"

The old ones are the best classic.

AthCliath (Dublin) - Posts: 4347 - 21/06/2013 21:53:17    1412646

Female dwarf goes to see the DOCTOR,
doc she says im a bit of an embarressing problem,im terrible itchy down below.
lets have a look he says, lifts up the skirt and says ah i see the problem ,
get a scissors and snips away for a while and then says that should feel better , walk over to the wall and back.
thats great doc , much better , but still a small bit itchy still.
ok says doc come over here , lifts up skirt again and snip ,snip
now whats that like.
ah jaysus doc thats feel brilliant Doc, what was the problem.
Ah nothing he says just had to trim a bit off the top of your UGG BOOTS.
.

AthCliath (Dublin) - Posts: 4347 - 21/06/2013 22:02:47    1412654

Doctor Doctor I feel like a set of curtains.

That's the least of your worries - you've got full blown AIDS.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9151 - 22/06/2013 11:21:22    1412687

Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children.

Welsh woman says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Cambridge. He's now a doctor, making £250,000 a year in Cardiff."

English woman says, "You know my daughter, she graduated first in her class from Oxford. She's now a lawyer, making half a million pounds a year and she lives in London."

Irish woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million pounds a year in Dublin working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "Sports repairman? How does one go round fixing sport?"

Irishwoman replies, "He's a referee.

wile_man_sir (Donegal) - Posts: 150 - 26/07/2013 17:52:06    1443392

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

white.n.blue (Monaghan) - Posts: 249 - 26/07/2013 19:43:28    1443496

Three Meath supporters were talking about the sad state of their football team

The first supporter whined...: "I blame the manager; if we could get our tactics right, we'd be a great team."

The second supporter whined: "I blame the players; if they made more effort, I'm sure we would outscore the opposition."

The third supporter whined...: "I blame my parents; if I had been born in Tyrone, I'd be supporting a decent team."

TheGateKeeper (Tyrone) - Posts: 2843 - 26/07/2013 20:59:27    1443534

paddy walks into weatherspoons and asks the barman how much is a pint of lager, barman says 2quid for pint and 15 quid for pitcher,paddy says give me pint and f..k the photo.

dontknow (Galway) - Posts: 262 - 26/07/2013 21:42:39    1443581

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
There are some peanuts in a bowl on the counter.
They start talking to the man.
"Hey, you're looking pretty hot tonight," they say.
The man thinks it's a bit weird that peanuts are talking to him. But he feels pretty good about being told he looks hot.
He decides to play pool and goes over to the change machine to get some coins.
As he is getting the money, the machine says: "You suck at pool, bro. Why do you even bother? In fact, you suck at life."
The man doesn't feel good anymore. He thinks: "Man, something strange is going on in this bar. Maybe I'm hallucinating."
So he goes up to the bar again and he says to the bartender: "What's up with this bar tonight? First the peanuts starts talking to me and telling me I'm hot and now the change machine is telling me I suck! What's going on?!"
"Well," says the bartender. "The peanuts are complimentary and the change machine is out of order."

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 09/08/2013 14:28:49    1457514