Heard last night in a pub about Thatcher - Tis not right to gloat about one's death, but it is good to enjoy reading her obituary. ;-)

mikeyjoe (USA) - Posts: 415 - 12/04/2013 13:55:50    1366567

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' jam in!

What does Bob Marley say when offering you a doughnut? I hope you like jammin to.

Why did they have so much trouble burying Bob Marley? A. His coffin kept jammin'

_______________

Christ almighty lol..

waynoI (Dublin) - Posts: 13650 - 12/04/2013 18:25:27    1366747

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.

The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.

They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own f****** blankets."

doublehop (Kildare) - Posts: 4172 - 12/04/2013 19:08:04    1366762

Got a job as a Beefeater at the Tower of London but they sacked me once they found out I was a vegetarian .

The teacher asks young Johnnie to name four African Countries, Johnnie answers Sierra Leone Burkina Faso .

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 18/04/2013 15:13:53    1369853

The great Tommy Cooper..

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite

Joxer (Dublin) - Posts: 4700 - 18/04/2013 20:16:35    1370074

Margaret Thatcher the iron lady RIP.... Rust in Peace

beal (Mayo) - Posts: 1388 - 19/04/2013 17:09:48    1370495

Have you heard the one about the hoganstand.com topic that generated a quarter of a million viewers ? - NO JOKE !

omahant (USA) - Posts: 2611 - 20/04/2013 19:37:24    1370789

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96.Due to inflation and the credit crunch the cost of eating out has gone up!!!

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 25/04/2013 21:14:28    1373946

In a recent cross-border policing exercise the Special Branch, Gardai and the PSNI were all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals so the exercise coordinator decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The Gardai go in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The Special Branch go in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The PSNI goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

doublehop (Kildare) - Posts: 4172 - 25/04/2013 21:57:18    1373985

I went to a Scottish Wedding, and I asked the groom "what's the tartan?".
He said "I don't know, she hasn't turned up yet".

muffin (Antrim) - Posts: 128 - 26/04/2013 15:25:00    1374389

Guy goes for a job interview and during it the interviewer asks him "Can you give me an example of a weak point that you might have?" The guy says "Well, I think my weakest point is I'm so honest". The interviewer says "I don't really agree with you that honesty is a weakness. I think it's more of strength". The guy replies "I don't give two f**ks what you think".

Greenfield (Meath) - Posts: 522 - 26/04/2013 15:52:13    1374432

Ran out of toilet roll earlier so had to wipe my arse with the wife's '50 shades of grey'. That was sitting in the bathroom.

Her kindle stinks now.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 02/05/2013 20:59:56    1378041

"Ran out of toilet roll earlier so had to wipe my arse with the wife's '50 shades of grey'. That was sitting in the bathroom.

Her kindle stinks now."

WTF??? Come on man??

Hopefully (Offaly) - Posts: 143 - 03/05/2013 10:18:33    1378130

Why did Joe Frazier want to be buried at sea.............


Because he hated Clay......

kikfada (Louth) - Posts: 2091 - 03/05/2013 10:40:51    1378144

My son was sacked from his counsel job last week....for robbing........ i could'nt believe it but when i looked in the garden shed all the signs were there.

kikfada (Louth) - Posts: 2091 - 03/05/2013 10:44:02    1378147

Why have Liverpool a goal difference of plus 7.42 in this years Premiership..........

2 of their goals were Sterling..........

kikfada (Louth) - Posts: 2091 - 03/05/2013 10:50:53    1378150

If a white stork brings a white baby and a black stork brings a black baby ..which bird would bring no babies...........

A big Swallow..

kikfada (Louth) - Posts: 2091 - 03/05/2013 10:55:04    1378151

Quick one liners

WHAT DO CLOUDS WEAR UNDER THEIR SHORTS? THUNDER PANTS

WHATS WASHED UP ON TINY BEACHES? MICROWAVES

HOW DOS THE MAN IN THE MOON CUT HIS HAIR? ECLIPSE IT

WHY COULD'NT DRACULA'S WIFE GET TO SLEEP? BECAUSE OF HIS COFFEN

WHY DO MILKEN STOOLS ONLY HAVE THREE LEGS? BECAUSE THE COWS GOT THE UDDER.

HOW DO YOU FIX A BROKEN TUBA? TUBE A GLUE

WHAT KIND OF FLOWER IS ON YOUR FACE? TULIPS

WHY WAS THE SAND WET? BECAUSE THE SEAWEED

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 03/05/2013 12:50:53    1378237

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

Doorbell repair man.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9151 - 03/05/2013 12:53:19    1378240

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

ballybannongael (Down) - Posts: 547 - 03/05/2013 13:17:20    1378254