Irish man goes for a job in a blacksmiths.

Blacksmith: Have you ever shooed a horse?

Irishman: No, but i once told a donkey to **** off.

Brolly (Monaghan) - Posts: 4472 - 27/04/2012 08:59:16    1161042

Two tourists were driving into Killarney. The wife tuned to her husband and said she fancied a bit of retail therapy and would he mind. He said no. She said she would like to go to Marks and Spencers.

Not knowing if there was a Marks and Spencers in Killarney they decided to ask a local. They saw this elderly man walking along and taking him clearly for a local they decided to stop and ask him.

The man put down the window and called over to him 'Is there an M & S in Killarney'. The man thought a moment and eventually said 'I wouldn't be sure but I know there are two 'E's' in Tralee'.

Those Kerry men are hard to get the better of.

Sparrowhawk (Tyrone) - Posts: 107 - 27/04/2012 10:07:42    1161085

Quote from CBS golf commentator David Feherty:

Vijay Singh's hit more balls today than Elton Johns chin.

Rebel.Og (Cork) - Posts: 519 - 27/04/2012 15:14:53    1161430

Three Irish brothers Paddy, Michael and John left Ireland in search of much needed work. Paddy went to oz, Michael went to the US and John left for China. on his first night in the local Irish bar Paddy ordered 3 pints of stout. The bar man was a little confused as Paddy was in the bar alone. This continued for the next couple of weeks so the bar man eventually deciding to test his curiosity asked Paddy why he always ordered 3 pints with his first drink. Paddy explained that his other 2 brothers left in search of work at the same time as him and that on his departure they all promised to buy eachother a pint everytime the enterd a bar as a tradition of luck. The bar man was happy enough with this and passed no remarks over the next few weeks. However later in the month as the bar man arrived to work he noticed Paddy only had 2 pints in front of him. As the bar man had built up quite a good relationship with Paddy he was in alittle bit of shocj ad didn't know what to say. he finally pice dup the courage to chat to Paddy. "Paddy I am so sorry for your loss, I am sure your brother is now in a better place", paddy looked perplexed as he asked the barman what he was on about. " aggh Paddy I know how ya feel I also lost a brother once and I assume by buying only 2 pints one of your brothers has recently passed". Paddy replied "ah jaysus no pal sure both the lads are fine, I am just off the beer for length."

topman500 (Monaghan) - Posts: 292 - 28/04/2012 14:12:45    1161864

A young man walked into the local Job Centre to sign on.
He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE accepting unemployment benefits.

I'd really rather have a job..

I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the desk said

"Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your
job assignment you will also have to satisfy his 22 year old daughters physical needs

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull********' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well.. You started it."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 03/05/2012 21:19:41    1165747

What's the Difference between abu qatada and Peter Andre ? Peter's not going back to Jordan !.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 25/05/2012 17:01:11    1180552

a man with no legs or arms on a beach relaxing enjoying the sun when suddenly 3 stunning girls walk pass and notice him they start to feel sorry for him so one by one approach him,the first 1 says have you ever been kissed?? sadly the man replies no so the stunning girl kisses him,the 2nd asks him have you ever been hugged ?? sadly the man says no the girl hugs him,the the 3rd approaches him whispers in his ear have you ever been F""""" before ?? with a cheeky smile the man says no with that the girl takes a quick glance over to the sea and back at the man to again and replies WELL YOU HAVE ROUGHLY AN HOUR BEFORE THE TIDE COMES IN..

dubbydave. (Dublin) - Posts: 3927 - 25/05/2012 21:36:46    1180692

Paddy's struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says"hey paddy why don't you get mick to help you" paddy says
"hes inside carrying the clothes"

Just got sacked from my job at The Salvation Army soup Kitchen, I guess it was a Big mistake to shout " Hurry up have you's no homes to go to"! .

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 09/06/2012 12:14:07    1190211

Man and his wife in the pub late on Saturday night. Man says "I love you". His wife turns to him and says "Is that you or the drink talking?". The man replies "It's me, talking to the drink". !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 09/06/2012 14:24:10    1190262

860 passes for spain, the only way ireland could do that is if we put jason mcateer on mastermind

chestnut (Kildare) - Posts: 25 - 17/06/2012 08:45:45    1195789

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 22/06/2012 12:47:31    1199788

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"
... Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some prob...lems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
"But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 02/07/2012 18:43:09    1207701

Meath to beat Kildare... that was considered a joke until sunday.

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 02/07/2012 20:32:42    1207830

Good one bettystown. You could also throw in kildare been fittest team in country, now that's a joke.

royaldunne (Meath) - Posts: 19449 - 03/07/2012 08:08:31    1207956

Last week my niece said to me:
"Uncle Snuffy, bring me to a pantomime!"

I replied:
"Well on Saturday theres SJ playing hurling in Coill Dubh or on Sunday theres Kildare trying to beat Meath in Croker! Which one would you like to go and see?!"


Regards,

Snufalufagus....Laochra Gael

Snufalufagus (Dublin) - Posts: 8100 - 03/07/2012 09:30:32    1207996

Snufalufagus
County: Dublin
Posts: 4877

1207996
Last week my niece said to me:
"Uncle Snuffy, bring me to a pantomime!"

I replied:
"Well on Saturday theres SJ playing hurling in Coill Dubh or on Sunday theres Kildare trying to beat Meath in Croker! Which one would you like to go and see?!"


Regards,

Snufalufagus....Laochra Gael

You also forgot about the Third Panto that was in town , that of Dublin v Wexford and the biggest Pantomime villain Diarmuid Connolly .

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 03/07/2012 09:41:29    1208007

Two kerrymen hit the road early for all Ireland final on the way they decide to stop off for mass in tipperary. Mass is going along as normal then the priest starts his sermon and starts castigating the congregation he then prophesises that "every man woman and child from this parish Will die " to stunned amazement from the congregation. The two kerrymen start to snigger at the back of the church the priests spots this and shouts down from the altar to the kerrymen start" did you not hear what I said " . One of the kerrymen replies " we did father but were not from this parish "

royalrover (Meath) - Posts: 55 - 03/07/2012 09:42:52    1208008

Kiladre are top 4 team.
Joke of the year

royaldunne (Meath) - Posts: 19449 - 06/07/2012 21:32:44    1211254

fortyfive
County: Tyrone
Posts: 4603

1208007 Snufalufagus
County: Dublin
Posts: 4877

1207996
Last week my niece said to me:
"Uncle Snuffy, bring me to a pantomime!"

I replied:
"Well on Saturday theres SJ playing hurling in Coill Dubh or on Sunday theres Kildare trying to beat Meath in Croker! Which one would you like to go and see?!"


Regards,

Snufalufagus....Laochra Gael

You also forgot about the Third Panto that was in town , that of Dublin v Wexford and the biggest Pantomime villain Diarmuid Connolly .


OH NO HE WASN'T

georgelee (Louth) - Posts: 523 - 06/07/2012 21:44:54    1211260

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 10/07/2012 16:16:06    1213939