On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' " When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been
in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited
his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition .

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 17/02/2012 11:54:12    1113471

breaking news: ally mccoist has just announced that due to the uncertain financial circumstances at ibrox, he has taken up a post with sky t.v.
he said 'its a challenge im looking forward to as i have never fitted a satellite dish before'

jape (Carlow) - Posts: 22 - 17/02/2012 14:01:25    1113625

jape
County: Carlow
Posts: 3

1113625 breaking news: ally mccoist has just announced that due to the uncertain financial circumstances at ibrox, he has taken up a post with sky t.v.
he said 'its a challenge im looking forward to as i have never fitted a satellite dish before'

It will more than likely being removing them. No Rangers, No Old firm games, No TV money. No celtic

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 17/02/2012 14:18:22    1113641

Did you know that Manchester United footballer Danny Welbeck is eligible to play for Northern Ireland ! His Dad was a Bomb Disposal expert from Ballymena "Stan Welbeck!".

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 23/02/2012 11:40:13    1116428

Classic Frank Carson jokes


Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?


I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. The caller says "Is that Dublin 22 33 22?" Paddy says "no it's Dublin 223 322!" the caller apologises for waking him in the middle of the night, Paddy says "Oh it's all right I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow!"

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 23/02/2012 11:45:54    1116435

i went to a weight watchers club last night,i walked into the centre of the room opened a packet of malteesers and began to scatter them all over the floor it was the best game on hungry hippo's ive ever seen...

dubbydave. (Dublin) - Posts: 3927 - 05/03/2012 21:48:02    1123439

Does anyone actually like Jedward?

Breathe for 'No'
Lick your elbow for 'Yes'

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9151 - 06/03/2012 08:49:55    1123465

BOUGHT A REPLICA RANGERS JERSEY TODAY IN TESCO'S,THEN I REALISED THEY HAD DEDUCTED 10 POINTS FROM MY CLUB CARD

dubbydave. (Dublin) - Posts: 3927 - 06/03/2012 11:00:35    1123538

RANGERS SPENT ALL THERE TIME WANTING TO F**K THE POPE,WHEN REALLY THEY ENDED UP BEEN F****D BY THE QUEEN..

dubbydave. (Dublin) - Posts: 3927 - 06/03/2012 11:02:53    1123539

Doctor informed a husband that his wife had come out of her 4 week coma and that he could speak to her. Obviously anxious to talk to her, he rushed to her bedside, knelt down beside her and said " Now for the 2nd time, are you going to tell me where you were until midnight?"

late.down.fan (Down) - Posts: 41 - 16/03/2012 11:51:36    1130687

Did you here about the Dead Vegetarian ? there was a big turnup at his funeral Boom! Boom!.

What you call an Irish Sniper ? Eamon.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 16/03/2012 14:08:55    1130803

late.down.fan
County: Down
Posts: 41

1130687 Doctor informed a husband that his wife had come out of her 4 week coma and that he could speak to her. Obviously anxious to talk to her, he rushed to her bedside, knelt down beside her and said " Now for the 2nd time, are you going to tell me where you were until midnight?"

________________________________________________________________

WTF - is this called humour?

redd (Tyrone) - Posts: 67 - 16/03/2012 19:21:49    1131038

Mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his willy in between 2 biscuits! "what are you doing?" she asks. "I'm f***ing crackers" he says

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 23/03/2012 13:49:10    1135532

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=gou1cspUfdY&NR=1

jimbodub (Dublin) - Posts: 20600 - 23/03/2012 13:53:49    1135535

Paddy says to Mick " found this pen ,is it yours?" Mick replies "Don't know,give it here" he then tries it & says "yes it is " paddy asks "How do you know?". Mick replies "Thats my Handwriting".

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 04/04/2012 13:07:16    1143512

A group of bikers were out on spin when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge... so they stopped and parked their Harleys.
Their leader Breffni, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, Breffni didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does.... And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.
After she's finished, Breffni says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 17/04/2012 18:18:57    1154563

A female Olympic weightlifter goes to the team doctor and says "I've been taking some steroid pills I bought on the internet and I've grown a ***k"?



Doctor says "Anabolic"?



"No" she replies "Just a ***k"!

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 24/04/2012 19:06:32    1159302

A group of bikers were out on spin when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge... so they stopped and parked their Harleys.
Their leader Breffni, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, Breffni didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does.... And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.
After she's finished, Breffni says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

Tomsmith says,

Sure it could happen to anyone in the dark of night

tomsmith (Cavan) - Posts: 3861 - 26/04/2012 09:57:43    1160219

tomsmith
County: Cavan
Posts: 1483

Tomsmith says,

Sure it could happen to anyone in the dark of night

True if it's any consolation it's not a mortaler unless: (A grave matter. ) (Have full knowledge) and (complete consent)

Go in peace my son.

Always check the Bag before you leave the butchers stall

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 26/04/2012 12:12:44    1160360

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."



Husband texts back:

"pour some luke warm water over it."



Wife texts back:

"computer completely f****d now."

Horsebox77 (Kerry) - Posts: 5491 - 27/04/2012 08:40:52    1161034