fortyfive
County: Tyrone
Posts: 3657

1066960 Paddy is in a disco, he ask's girl "How about a shag" She replies "i'm on my menstrual cycle". "Great" says paddy "i'm on my scooter, i'll follow u home!


BRUTAL!!!!!!!

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 11/11/2011 10:49:06    1067122

Woman: "We better take precautions!"
Man: "OK, I'll just tie this plank to my arse so!"

Regards,

Snufalufagus....Laochra Gael

Snufalufagus (Dublin) - Posts: 8100 - 25/11/2011 09:53:27    1075477

Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
He was kneading a crap.

muffin (Antrim) - Posts: 128 - 25/11/2011 10:10:44    1075489

ONE day a religon teacher asked her class ' what part of your body goes upto heaven first' . john put up his hand 'pick me me me me me ' .. so the teacher asked john and john replied 'your legs ' . the teacher asked why ? he said ' because every time i go into me parents room my mother has her legs up in the air and says ' God im coming' !

hon.galway (Galway) - Posts: 99 - 25/11/2011 10:36:16    1075500

A lad pulls a bird and brings her back to his gaff. Undressing he says: "Gimme a Chilean Miner job"

She says: "Whats that?"

Man: "Get right down to the end of my shaft and dont come up till Christmas!"


Regards,

Snufalufagus....Laochra Gael

Snufalufagus (Dublin) - Posts: 8100 - 25/11/2011 11:46:43    1075553

Paddy and Mick find 3 bombs. Paddy: Let's take them to the police, Mick: What happens if one blows up on the way? Paddy: We will tell them we only found 2!

paddy & mick in the jungle see a man's head sticking out of a crocodiles mouth, paddy says look at that posh git in his lacoste sleeping bag!!!!!!!!

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 25/11/2011 12:28:48    1075577

What BEES make milk???????????????? BOOOOOBEES

skinthecat (Galway) - Posts: 394 - 25/11/2011 12:39:54    1075581

NOT SUITABLE FOR STUDENTS



My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 04/12/2011 19:29:58    1079865

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 04/12/2011 20:09:08    1079894

Fella takes his dog to the vet. Vet says "Give us a look then" and lifts the dog up. He looks at him and says to the owner "I'll have to put him down". The owner starts bawling and says "Why, has he got something terminal?" "No" says the vet "he's just a bit heavy".

Ulsterman (Antrim) - Posts: 9706 - 04/12/2011 20:19:03    1079897

Sepp Blatter hits back at comments made on his handshake statement.
"I was trying to say that most things that happen on the pitch can be solved with a handshake, or one of those high five things the diggers do".

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 08/12/2011 21:15:54    1082079

did you hear the one about the strabane girl, went into to her mother in a panic saying " mum im pregnant" and her mum said " stettle down........................... are you sure its yours"

pig.ignorant (Derry) - Posts: 655 - 09/12/2011 12:08:05    1082222

Went to doctors other day and said to him 'do you treat Alcoholics?' and the doctor said course we do.
So i said brilliant fancy taking me to pub then because I'm skint!

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 09/12/2011 12:12:39    1082227

dhorse
County: Laois
Posts: 8906

1082079 Sepp Blatter hits back at comments made on his handshake statement.
"I was trying to say that most things that happen on the pitch can be solved with a handshake, or one of those high five things the diggers do".

Ya never lost it mate!! excellant

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 09/12/2011 12:16:40    1082231

A man is in a shop when a great looking blonde walks in and says:
"Hi, I've not seen you for a while!"
The man cant quite place her, but thinks back to his wild days and says:
"Shit, are you the stripper I shagged on the pool table while my mates watched, and your friend stuffed a cucumber up my arse and hit me with a wet towel?"
"NO! says the woman....Im your sons English teacher!"

Regards,

Snufalufagus....Laochra Gael

Snufalufagus (Dublin) - Posts: 8100 - 09/12/2011 12:44:01    1082251

He was in ecstacy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved:
forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards.....
back and forth.....
back and forth.....
in and out.....
in and out.....
Her heart was pounding faster,
Her face was getting flushed,
She started to grunt and groan,
Then she let out one almighty scream...
"I cant park this f%$kin car....YOU DO IT!!!"

Regards,

Snufalufagus....Laochra Gael

Snufalufagus (Dublin) - Posts: 8100 - 15/12/2011 16:35:43    1084896

A Christmas Carol .

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland."

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euro. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro. I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please?"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains: "Nobody would fit in that little frame!"

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir." O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "Since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager!"

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Euro please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

"I've had enough! What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second."

"I will never use this bar again!"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro."

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 22/12/2011 14:31:25    1087118

Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex the other day.
Big mistake.

Superglue (Kerry) - Posts: 1283 - 22/12/2011 15:10:36    1087137

A married couple had been out christmas shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had
"disappeared".


The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and
demanded:
Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the
Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have
money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.



Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.


Husband: Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop.

Dubfan Abroad (Dublin) - Posts: 282 - 22/12/2011 16:53:01    1087175

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite


I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 06/01/2012 13:08:34    1089451