Breffni39 County: Cavan Posts: 182 Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest. __________________________________________________________________________ Brilliant, just brilliant!!! What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance? I don't know and I don't care! What's white and hangs down from a cloud? The coming of the lord.

Bald Eagle (None) - Posts: 1009 - 29/10/2008 21:12:29    129306

What happened to the dwarf that walked into the ladies showers?
He got a box in the face!

Did you hear about the dwarf who got mugged on Grafton st last week?
Hard to believe criminals will stoop so low!

What food curbs ladies sex drive?
Wedding cake.

Whats the difference between married and single?
two stone (12 kilos)

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 29/10/2008 21:35:35    129314

SMART LADY

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he landed into the newly refurbished Mary Scullions where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million euros."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 29/10/2008 21:58:31    129325

This ones for Liam

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

Htaem (Meath) - Posts: 8657 - 29/10/2008 22:17:58    129331

A Tortoise was mugged by 2 snails. When asked by the Gardai to describe what happened, the Tortoise sobbed "I can't, it all happened so quickly!"

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 30/10/2008 10:08:45    129568

Letter from Mayo Kid to Parents Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone. I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make your bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing. Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', just like walking to the well in the meadow. This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at you like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ballina show. All you gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of ****. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the tractor when you reload. Then you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos and I'm 5 foot six and 65 kilos, but I fought to the end. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is. Your loving daughter, Siobhan

xxx (Mayo) - Posts: 1275 - 30/10/2008 10:54:49    129629

Especially for Liam Please excuse the rough language in the following story... A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic ." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language, things I'd never heard before. I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home . PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook ." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother!

xxx (Mayo) - Posts: 1275 - 30/10/2008 10:58:31    129635

Two buddies Joe and Pat were two of the biggest Gaelic fans in Ireland. Their entire adult lives, Joe and Pat discussed hurling and football history in the winter, and they pored over every score during the season. They played in their heyday. They went to 50 games a year junior, minor underage and senior. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was Gaelic played in heaven. One autumn night Joe passed away in his sleep after watching a final earlier in the in the day. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy awoke to the sound of Joe's voice from beyond. "Joe is that you?" Pat asked. "Of course it me," Joe replied. "This is unbelievable!" Pat exclaimed. "So tell me, is there hurling and football played in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" Well, the good news is that yes there is Gaelic in heaven, Pat." Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" the team is picked and you're playing tomorrow evening."

xxx (Mayo) - Posts: 1275 - 30/10/2008 11:03:22    129641

There were two nuns.......one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirthy-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to attack us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course, walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing, he started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way, he can't follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives a little later. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened. SL: The only logical thing happened. He couldn't follow both of us so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run after me. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened, he reached me. SM: Oh Dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh Sister! What did he do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down. For those of you who were expecting something dirty, say ten Hail Mary's.

xxx (Mayo) - Posts: 1275 - 30/10/2008 11:04:42    129644

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and Dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting. Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?" Posh stutters replying, "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack" "Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance". He runs downstairs picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. "What's The matter son?" asks Becks. "Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn. Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door, sure enough the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers. "You ****** Giggsy" screams Becks. My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring Brooklyn."

xxx (Mayo) - Posts: 1275 - 30/10/2008 11:07:48    129645

Bald Eagle
County: All
Posts: 391


"What's white and hangs down from a cloud?
The coming of the lord"

bald eagle, thats just wrong!!!!

lino_de_legend (Dublin) - Posts: 816 - 30/10/2008 11:11:00    129650

wats the fastest thing on water ? A Banana Boat Wats the second fastest thing on water ? An Ethiopian Chasing a banana boat!! Wats an ethiopians phone number ? 8080028!!!!!!!!!!! Ok a different type a joke An army recruit joins the US army and on him entering he is told he will have an 6 month training camp in the mexican desert. On his arrival he is told that in the base there are no visitors allowed and their was no sex allowed. However the sergeant said that the recruits could use the horse. One night the recruit asked the sergeant about this and the sergeant said use the fuckin horse. Reluctantly the man decided to use the horse and commenced pleasuring himself with it. The next day the sergeant asked him how he got on and he replied well i thought sh*gin a horse wud b worse. Then the sergant replied most ppl use thaat horse for a ride into town to the local huorhouse u dirty eejit

paudi (Meath) - Posts: 681 - 30/10/2008 11:50:14    129686

30/10/2008 11:50:14
paudi
County: Meath
Posts: 226

Wats an ethiopians phone number ?

8080028!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF Ed??????
Are you now allowing comments taking the P out of famine victims in Africa??
The whole joke thread needs to be watched carefully. There is no age restriction on HS so the content should match with that.

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 30/10/2008 13:05:08    129812

Sorry Lino, i know it's not nice and to be honest i didn't think it'd get published! It's pretty tame for me though!

Bald Eagle (None) - Posts: 1009 - 30/10/2008 13:12:54    129829

Women are evil


A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 30/10/2008 13:17:28    129836

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

p diddy (Cavan) - Posts: 22 - 30/10/2008 15:52:08    130130

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The Priest asks, 'Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Volpe?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over
And whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 30/10/2008 21:02:52    130374

Good man p diddy!Simple but effective!!

AdamG (Mayo) - Posts: 309 - 30/10/2008 21:20:51    130386

Culchie Commandments

01 - Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."
02 - Thou shalt always ate the skin of yer rasher.
03 - Thou shalt always stand at the back during mass, or even better, in the porch talking.
04 - Thine Wife shalt emulate Biddy from Glenroe.
05 - Thou shalt think Richie Kavanagh is fierce funny, and have all his records on your mantelpiece at home
06 - Thou shalt emulate Miley.
07 - Thou shalt pretend to know all about "The Headage."
08 - Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.
09 - Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your trailers.
10 - Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back window of all vehicles.
11 - Thou shalt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.
12 - Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or "a good Sally Rod" for beatin cattle.
13 - Thine sons shall play GAA.
14 - Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.
15 - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.
16 - Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Threshing, Kickin' Cabbages and the Corncrake.
17 - Thou shalt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from "the top of the parish."
18 - Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" and drink Cidona at all GAA matches.
19 - Thou shalt hate "Those Backstards the Tans."
20 - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.
21 - Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yella'.
22 - Thou shalt carry the A.I. Man's mobile number on you at all times.
23 - Thou shalt not visit Dublin [except to Croker and to bring the wife shoppin' on the 8th of December ].
24 - Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all Steam Rallies.
25 - Thou shalt always know how to reek turf bether than thine Neighbour.
26 - Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers.
27 - Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.
28 - Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather."
29 - Thou shalt have many many injuries from "that Hooooor of Charolais I got from that cowboy calf-dealer."
30 - Thou shalt wear cap crooked.
31 - Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially "The Quiet Man."
32 - Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin' upstairs."
33 - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.
34 - Thou shalt drown cats.
35 - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.
36 - Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end of the pit when tramping silage.
37 - Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.
38 - Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the phone while he's with "the bit of stuff."
39 - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.
40 - Thou shalt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round bales.
41 - Thou shalt never leave the country.
42 - Thou shalt have a Heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is for nothin' except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.
43 - Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic soap
44 - Thou shalt "Suck Diesel."
45 - Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing them for being "pure shite" at every given opportunity.
46 - Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After-Dinner Mints or Silvermints.
47 - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.
48 - Thou shalt refer to Soccer as "The Foreign Game."
49 - Thou shalt always sing the dirty line to "Alice."
50 - Thou shalt always receive Communion on the tongue, licking the priest's hand in the process

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2422 - 30/10/2008 21:59:57    130396

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ..... OH MY GOD!' Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was
talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jezis you should see the back of mine!'

Fredthered (Donegal) - Posts: 1144 - 31/10/2008 15:46:22    131059