Two pidgeons on a perch.
One says: "can you smell fish"?

Boxtyeater (Leitrim) - Posts: 690 - 28/10/2008 22:13:14    128408

Two nuns in the bath, one says "wears the soap..." the other replies, "yes it does, doesn't it?"

Sorry.

Bald Eagle (None) - Posts: 1009 - 29/10/2008 09:10:53    128562

There's a good few Everton fans on here so here's one for ye -

Q: What does an Everton fan do after they win a game?

Ans: He gets up and turns off his Playstation !!!

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 29/10/2008 12:42:24    128754

A vicar booking in at a hotel reception says to the receptioness " I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled " to which she replies "no its ordinary porn, you sick git ".

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 29/10/2008 13:40:57    128809

Brian Cowen has announced that he is changing our national emblem from a harp to a condom, as it accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of p*****s, and gives you a sense of security when you're actually being screwed

Naomh Ultan Abú (Donegal) - Posts: 298 - 29/10/2008 14:03:13    128828

Why do Spurs fans always carry lighters?...

Because they keep losing all their matches..

Banisteoir (Louth) - Posts: 60 - 29/10/2008 14:13:37    128840

Why did the Cavan man buy his wife lipstick for Christmas?

He knew he's get half of it back - boom boom

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 29/10/2008 14:24:48    128857

A man asked his wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half and leave you. Man says great I've won a tenner, here's a fiver now **** off. A jewish girl calls her mother, Mum I'm getting a divorce. A divorce why? the mother asks shocked. Mum all he wants is **** sex. I used to have a lovely little ******** the size of a 5p piece. Now its the size of a 50p pence. The mother says sweetie you have a lovely home a porsche a platinum credit card and have 4 foreign holidays a year and you want to give that all up for the sake of 45p. Stephen Hawkin was taken 2 hospital last night with a broken hip dislocated spine and damaged knees. He was reported to be on a date apparently she stood him up.

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 29/10/2008 14:34:13    128866

a few paddy jokes for ye bois u probly know them all Paddy Scotsman Paddy Welshman Paddy englishman paddy frenchman and paddy irishmen were on an aircraft inflying from europe to america. Suddenly the two pilots appeared from the cockpit and informed the paddys that the engines on the planes have seized and that there was only three parrachutes on the plane and that they were taking two of them!!!!!!!!! So they put on the chutes n jumped off the plain, The paddys started arguing over the last parrachutes until the gained sense. So Paddy welshman said " I'll do this for the sake of my country" and jumped off the aircraft. Paddy Scotsman said " ach ay ill do this for the sake a my country" and also jumped off. Paddy Scotsman Said " Viva La France" and jumped off. The paddy Irishman said " ill do this for the sake a my country" And kicked paddy englishman off!!!!!!!!! Another One is Paddy Irishman Paddy Scotman Paddy Englishman and paddy chineseman were all tradesman. They all went for interview together for a job. The interviewer asked Paddy Irishman wat he did and he replied " Im The best bricklayer in the emerald isle" In turn he asked Paddy Scotsman the Same Question and he replied " im the best roofer in scotland". Then he asked the englishman the same And he said " Im the best plasterer in all Of England. In turn he asked paddy Chineses man the same he replied " im good for nothing" The interviewer was impressed by the first 3 paddys and offered them jobs but didn offer paddy chineseman a job. However the three paddys wouldn take up their respective jobs unless paddy chineseman got a jobb.Reluctantly he was givin a job and he was put in charge of supplies. after a forthnight the boys realised that the hadnt seen paddy chineseman since they started so they searched for him. As they went looking up jumped paddy chinesman shoutings SUPPRISE

paudi (Meath) - Posts: 681 - 29/10/2008 14:43:45    128876

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are s**ually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not m**t**b**e very often? Phil: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a w****r...

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 29/10/2008 15:05:41    128905

Naked man walks into a pub carrying a steering wheel.
What's that steering wheel for? says the barman.

I don't know, says the naked man, but it's driving me nuts.

domoore (Laois) - Posts: 346 - 29/10/2008 15:36:31    128955

whats a pidgeon?

anything to a widgeon !!!

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 29/10/2008 16:21:09    129020

German Jokes nock, knock. Who's there? The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident and your husband is in hospital. A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family. Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. What do you call a cat with no tail? A bobcat. Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas. How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed. Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.' Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12133 - 29/10/2008 16:36:36    129043

Haha love this thread. Peter invites his Mum for tea.she notices his flat mate Joanne is very pretty. Peter denies anything is going on and says that they are only flat mates. a week later Joanne says to Peter ''ever since your mother came over for tea,the frying pans been missing'' Peter e-mails his Mum and says''dear Mum, i'm not saying that you did take the frying pan and i'm not sayin that you did not take the frying pan,but,it's been missing ever since you came for tea'' his Mum replies''dear son, i'm not saying that you do sleep with Joanne and i'm not saying that you do not sleep with Joanne,but, if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found the ******* frying pan by now. love Mum... MORAL OF THE STORY..NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

MULLOCKER (Louth) - Posts: 12 - 29/10/2008 16:50:11    129064

I was in Dunnes the other day doing the monthly shop, got to the checkout with trolley full to the brim. While I was waiting to be served a little old lady came to the queue behind me with just a pint of milk, so i asked her if that was all she had. She said yes. I said you better feck off then cause I'm going to be ages.

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 29/10/2008 17:01:47    129079

I was in the ATM queue the other day and a little old lady in front of me asked me if I would help her check her balance. So I pushed her and when she fell I said "It's not very good".

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 29/10/2008 17:02:02    129080

I visited a fortune teller last week and she told me that very soon a lot of money would be coming my way ...
As I left her place all excited, I got hit by a Securicor van....

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 29/10/2008 17:08:05    129092

What do you call a girl with one leg longer than the other ? Eileen. !!

What do you call a girl with two legs the same length ? Noleen !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 29/10/2008 18:58:02    129209

Definition of a nervous wreck:
A man who has a mortgage payment, a car payment, a credit card payment, a wife and a girlfriend and they are all A MONTH LATE !!!

Boxtyeater (Leitrim) - Posts: 690 - 29/10/2008 20:32:21    129279

in fairness censors how did ye let bad.monkey's last joke on its an absolute disgrace.i dont mind jokes about mayo but that was abusive and personal.

maigh_eo (Mayo) - Posts: 1346 - 29/10/2008 20:47:06    129289