Two Corkmen were talking in a pub.
'I wouldn't go to America if you paid me', said the first Corkman.
'Why is that?' asked the second.
'Well for one thing, they all drive on the right hand side of the road there'.
'And what's wrong with that?' inquired the second Corkman.
'Well I tried it driving to Dublin the other day and it's terrible'.
***************************
A Kerryman went to the cinema and, having bought his ticket, went in to see the film. A few minutes later he came back to the box office and bought another ticket. Five minutes later he returned and bought a third ticket.
'Look', said the girl at the ticket office, 'what are you playing at? That's the third ticket you've bought'.
'I know', said the Kerryman, 'but there's a crazy guy inside who keeps tearing them up'.
**********************
A Kerryman got a job as an assistant gardener at a big country house. One day he saw a bird bath for the first time.
'What's that for?' he asked the head gardener.
That's a bird bath', he replied.
'I don't believe you', said the Kerryman, 'there isn't a bird in creation who can tell the difference between Saturday night and any other night of the week'.
**********************************
I'm here all week ! Goodnight !!!!!!!!!!!

STOKES (Donegal) - Posts: 39 - 24/10/2008 16:47:04    126121

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for christmas- said it was the most violent book he ever read
Thank you

HongKongPhooey (Antrim) - Posts: 93 - 24/10/2008 16:49:17    126127

My offering - apologies in advance!

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man.
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 24/10/2008 16:51:48    126130

A man goes to the zoo.
There was only one dog in it.
It was a shi-tzu.

RAM85 (Westmeath) - Posts: 978 - 24/10/2008 16:56:08    126135

Why don't Barbie and Ken have children?

Because Ken came in a different box!

Sisco87 (Tipperary) - Posts: 759 - 24/10/2008 17:15:13    126144

I'm back and keyboard cleaned up!!

A man hires a hitman to kill his wife. They meet in a cafe so that the man can pay half the fee in advance. The man asks the hitman if he is up for the job and if he is experienced enough. The hitman says " I gave killed many people, i am the best shot in the whole country, i will shoot her in the left breast twice from 500 yards away". The man says to the hitman "That would be no good, i want her killed not kneecapped".

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 24/10/2008 17:54:24    126176

Two life-size statues of Adan and Eve in the Phoenix Park are brought to life by a Fairy Godmother. Adam says to Eve "We have been standing still for a hundred years, will we go into the bushes and do what we always wanted to do" Eve says that she would love that. They are in the bushes for 20 minutes and the Fairy Godmother goes closer to see whats going on. She hears a lot of grunting and Adam saying "Eve that was brilliant. will we do it again" Eve replies "I would love to but i would like to change positions. This time you hold the pidgeon and i'll poo on him".

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 24/10/2008 18:25:48    126193

why does a squirrel swin on its back? to keep its nuts dry.

OLLIE (Louth) - Posts: 12224 - 24/10/2008 18:40:01    126202

There are three types of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

mid-mon man (Monaghan) - Posts: 1680 - 24/10/2008 18:52:06    126207

A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breast and carries on down her side and legs. He slides his hand up and down the inner side of her thighs. His hand moves slowly back to the top and stops as his wife gasps "Why have you stopped". He replies "Go back to sleep, i've found the remote".

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 24/10/2008 19:03:00    126210

A farmer in the West walking through his fields comes upon a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The farmer shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, tal se lan de chac bo" (Dont drink the water its full of cow dung). The man shouts back " I'm English, speak English Paddy, i dont understand you ". The farmer shouts back " Use both hands, you'll get more in ".

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 24/10/2008 19:10:39    126213

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God 'Where were you?' God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds Look son, look what I'm after making'. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said 'What is it?' God replied It's another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's Noroth America and South America . North America is going to be rich and South America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot. Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North and another one of blacks in the south.' Then the Archangel said 'What's that green dot there?' 'Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle,' God said, 'that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be God's own people, the salt of the Earth, they'll be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world spreading the craic. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters and I'm going to give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad on, and for which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink.' Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly startled, he said, 'Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be balance..?' God winked and replied wisely, 'Wait 'til you see the crowd I'm putting next door to them!!

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 24/10/2008 22:18:38    126274

Nothing like a bit of Tommy Cooper to get you thru the Tuesday after a Bank Holiday Monday. I used to write his material you know!! Classic stuff though!! I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor' I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!' I went to the doctor the other day, I said 'it hurts when I do that' he said ' well don't do it' My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds. I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins. One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike' This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection. A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'. I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said: 'I've forgotten the way'. So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights' A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos. I had a meal last night, I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody, It was a Chinese restaurant. And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any' I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'. I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'. I went to the doctor the other day I said 'have you got anything for wind' so he gave me a kite. I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'. Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out. I'm on a whisky diet, i've lost three days already. My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer. My wife phoned me just before the show and said, 'I've got water in the carburetor, I said 'Where's the car' She said 'In the river' I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off. This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 28/10/2008 17:09:46    128183

You wanna hear some more......................... "My mother was always pulling my leg, that's why one is six inches longer than the other." "I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he told me he had taken a job as a postman. He said it was better than walking the streets." And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes, this is my livelihood." I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids.... I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace..... I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.... So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas! It's not her main present, just a stocking filler...... I bumped into an old friend the other day. He's got poor eyesight as well! Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant. Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start" "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill" A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places. The doctor said "well don't go there any more" A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's crosseyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" For the scientifically minded. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother HoChaChu. But I think it's Colin.

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 28/10/2008 17:29:30    128200

Alright - last few from the great Tommy C! So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat *******!" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal. I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is. I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' I went to the local video shop and I said, Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow' So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory". I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?". You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high." A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me. This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.' I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 28/10/2008 17:35:36    128209

Brilliant Jayo, i always enjoyed Tommy Cooper, always clean jokes and very witty. A last one ...

I was walking down the road eating a hamburger and i met an old lady walking her dog. She saw me eating my burger and said "Would you mind throwing the dog a bit", So i threw him over the wall.!!!!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 28/10/2008 18:24:38    128260

"did you ever hear of a crusty ring?"

"yea, he used to be a saavage hurler"

"no, thats christy ring you ejit"

charlotted (Leitrim) - Posts: 598 - 28/10/2008 19:16:43    128313

great forum

monkey (Westmeath) - Posts: 223 - 28/10/2008 20:13:14    128342

IT ALL ADDS UP!



Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The
doctor
says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your
turn.
What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your
turn. What's
three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get
that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I
just
subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 28/10/2008 21:00:04    128368

A man is about to have *** with a really fat woman, so he
climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 28/10/2008 21:04:14    128370