I was in the pub the other day with my mates telling that old classic - "What do you do if you see a epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!"

Well myself and my mates were having a right good laugh when a guy tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate, but I find that joke more than a little offensive. My brother had an epileptic fit in the bath and he died."

I said "Jesus I'm awful sorry about that, no offence was intended. Did he drown?"

"No," says your man, "He choked on a sock!"

jason (Mayo) - Posts: 139 - 06/08/2010 15:23:27    738248

Lads, please stop spoiling a great thread with stupid petty posts like that. And while im saying it ill contribute

Seamus was driving down the motorway at about 100mph when he sees the blue flashing lights in his rear view mirror. He knows he's caught so pulls over;
The police man comes up to the car
Police: Sir, I presume you know why I stopped you
Seamus: It's the speeding isn't it?
Police: Indeed it is. Can I see your licence sir?
Seamus. Em, no, I don't have one.
P: Really, is this your car sir?
S: No, Iv stole it!
P: Step out of the car sir!
S: Can't do that. I've got the body of the owner in the boot.
P: What, are you saying you killed the owner and he is in the boot?
S: Yes that is exactly what I'm saying, and I've got the gun I killed him within the glove compartment, and I'm not frightened to use it again.

Hearing this, the police man runs back to his car and calls for immediate back up. "Ive got an armed man, driving a stolen car with the dead body of the owner in the boot, I need back up, immediately"

A few minutes five more police cars turns up and surround Seamus' car. The police man briefs his chief about the situation and the chief goes up to Seamus, who is still in his car.

Chief: Sir, I am going to ask you to open your glove box, slowly.
Seamus opens the glove box to show its empty. The chief scratches his head.
"Sir could you step out of the car and open the boot"
Seamus steps out and opens the boot, again empty.
The Chief asks "Is this your car sir"
Seamus "Yeah, of course it is, here is my registration and licence documents"
The police chief looks at these and gets very confused. He says to Seamus "I don't understand, my colleague tells me this car is stolen and that you have killed the owner with a gun and locked his body in the boot"

Seamus replies "Really, I suppose the fecker, told you I was speeding as well"

Derry_ledd (Derry) - Posts: 2093 - 06/08/2010 15:38:23    738275

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.

After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.

She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."

I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."

jason (Mayo) - Posts: 139 - 06/08/2010 15:45:07    738287

I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:
'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...

What the hell does 'ternative' mean?

jason (Mayo) - Posts: 139 - 06/08/2010 15:45:27    738288

06/08/2010 15:22:23
paddyogall
County: Mayo
Posts: 2862

738245
sam1996
County: Meath
Posts: 189

738145 paddyogall classic

You see the funny part of it is that something crazy like that will never happen.


your jus copyin everting i said earlier lets call a truce dont want to be falling out with yous :D

sam1996 (Meath) - Posts: 436 - 06/08/2010 15:59:40    738305

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I'm easily lead.

jason (Mayo) - Posts: 139 - 06/08/2010 16:06:10    738314

In order to promote safe sex, the Welsh have started painting the legs of the sheep that kick.

jason (Mayo) - Posts: 139 - 06/08/2010 16:06:27    738316

My missus accused me of caring more about my fantasy football team than my own kids.

In my defence...

I had Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole and Glen Johnson.

jason (Mayo) - Posts: 139 - 06/08/2010 16:07:08    738317

06/08/2010 15:59:40
sam1996
County: Meath
Posts: 191

738305 06/08/2010 15:22:23
paddyogall
County: Mayo
Posts: 2862

738245
sam1996
County: Meath
Posts: 189

738145 paddyogall classic

You see the funny part of it is that something crazy like that will never happen.


your jus copyin everting i said earlier lets call a truce dont want to be falling out with yous :D

___________
Dhorses dog is faster than your dog

Omar.d (Cavan) - Posts: 1141 - 06/08/2010 16:14:18    738330

I was down at the Galway Races last week and I didn't have one winner. I shouldn't really be surprised as I never have much luck gambling.
The only person in our family that was ever any use at picking winners was my aunty. She had a brilliant method.
She ****** jockeys.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9967 - 06/08/2010 16:27:28    738352

jason, if i wanted to read sickipedia i would. COME ON MAN !

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 06/08/2010 17:09:44    738451

jason
County: Mayo
Posts: 82

738288 I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:
'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...

What the hell does 'ternative' mean?





ADMIN>>>>>> HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 06/08/2010 18:08:14    738560

No offense to any Dubs but I've always loved northsider / southsider jokes. I've heard loads but can only remember one so if any one knows anymore please post them.

What do Northsiders use for protection when they are having ***?

A bus shelter

Duffster (Meath) - Posts: 279 - 06/08/2010 20:37:39    738755

after his sudden mysterious death on march 17th,theirry henry approaches the golden pearly of heaven and is greeted by an old bearded man
"ah the great thierry henry,is there anything you would like to confess???" the man says
"actually yes i have" says thierry "in a very important world cup qualifying match against Ireland i intentionally handled the ball twice which led to the goal so that france got to go to the world cup and ireland did not...i have always felt very guilty about this"
"well that is pretty bad" the old man says "im afraid i cant let you passed the pearly gates!"
Thierry ,bemused by the decision, explains "St. Peter, i agree it was a mistake but afterall it was only a game of football?!!?!"
the old man says "its St Peters day off and im St Patrick so your goin ta hell ya cheeky *******!!!"

catch_it_wil_ya (Galway) - Posts: 541 - 06/08/2010 21:08:51    738800

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown
off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to bust.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/08/2010 16:26:15    741014

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

millhouse (Meath) - Posts: 892 - 13/08/2010 15:22:42    745443

Farmer standing with his friend looking at distant hillside
do you see that big tree on the left
I do said his friend

Well that where I made love for my first time is that right says his friend
now do you see that smaller tree on the right yes says his friend
well that's where her mother was standing
O my God says his friend what did she say

Bah Bah

chainsaw (Laois) - Posts: 712 - 13/08/2010 16:30:57    745537

Farmer in gateway counting sheep as they passed through 1-2-3-4-5-6 howya 7-8-9-10-11

chainsaw (Laois) - Posts: 712 - 13/08/2010 16:34:34    745541

kildare fans thinking they will win the all ireland this year.ha.

meathalltheway (Meath) - Posts: 789 - 13/08/2010 17:20:06    745589

Walking home late one night from the pub I stumbled across a lamp, I rubbed it and out came a genie. He said "I can grant you one wish". I told the genie that I wish to live forever. The genie said that he could not grant me that wish as it went against the laws of the universe. I said ok, well I wish to live until Sligo win an all Ireland. The genie replied "you crafty b*****d!"

letsgosligo (Sligo) - Posts: 109 - 13/08/2010 19:17:48    745714