What are everybody's favourite jokes?

It might lighten the mood in these tough times..

minor10 (Wicklow) - Posts: 82 - 15/12/2010 17:29:12    833493

I regard it as the hieght of bad manners to start a jokes thread and not include a joke in your opening post

Omar.d (Cavan) - Posts: 1141 - 15/12/2010 17:39:17    833500

What's a wok for???

For throwing at Wabbits!!

My Niece found it hilarious!

Hag_and_Cheese (Tipperary) - Posts: 6103 - 15/12/2010 17:52:20    833510

* Obligatory Fianna Fail mention *

JuanVeron (Westmeath) - Posts: 1866 - 15/12/2010 17:53:10    833513

Try here


http://www.hoganstand.com/forum/MessagePage.aspx?PageNumber=35&TopicID=12682

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 15/12/2010 17:54:59    833517

What do u call....

Man with... no shins? Tony
Spade in head? Dug
No spade? Dugless
Rabbits up backside? Warren
Born in bog? Peat
Woman with one leg longer than other? Eileen
Same length? Noleen

Ex-rated have been cut out by admin before unfortunately!

Brolly (Monaghan) - Posts: 4472 - 15/12/2010 17:57:34    833519

I farted in a lift once. It was wrong on so many levels.

Brolly (Monaghan) - Posts: 4472 - 15/12/2010 19:07:15    833595

omar.d

my apologies but get off your high horse will ya!


heres one for you : What do you call a Cavan man lying under a wheelbarrow?

A mechanic!

minor10 (Wicklow) - Posts: 82 - 15/12/2010 19:47:01    833616

15/12/2010 19:47:01
minor10
County: Wicklow
Posts: 74

833616 omar.d

my apologies but get off your high horse will ya!


heres one for you : What do you call a Cavan man lying under a wheelbarrow?

A mechanic!

__________

QWhat does a Wicklow man call three sheep tied to a gatepost ?

A-A lesiure Centre

Omar.d (Cavan) - Posts: 1141 - 15/12/2010 20:02:28    833628

A young man from Cavan called Ciaran finds himself in dire trouble. His farm has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray...........

"God, please help me, I've lost my Farm and if don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Ciaran goes back to the Church.....................

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my farm, my house and
I'm going to lose my tractor as well".

Lotto night comes and Ciaran still has no luck!!
Back to the Church.................

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17 children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Ciaran is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"Ciaran, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A F**KING TICKET".

minor10 (Wicklow) - Posts: 82 - 15/12/2010 20:16:16    833639

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Carlow farmer.

"So, Carlow farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Carlow farmer. Then he meets a Kilkenny Farmer.

"So, Kilkenny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Carlow too." And he leaves the Kilkenny. Then he meets a farmer from Wicklow.

"So, Wicklow farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

Omar.d (Cavan) - Posts: 1141 - 15/12/2010 20:29:09    833647

A Wicklow lad says to his friend " i'm ready for a holiday only this year i'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago i went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago i went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year i went to France and Mary got pregnant ". His friend asks him what he is going to do this year ? and the Wicklow man says " I am going to take her with me " !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 15/12/2010 20:50:26    833663

A Cavan and a Kerry man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The Cavan man leans over to the Kerryman and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Kerryman just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Cavan man persists because he thinks the Kerry man will be a soft touch and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me €5. Then, you ask me a question. If I don't know the answer, I'll pay you €5."

Again, the Kerryman politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Cavan man by now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me €5 and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you €50!"

This catches the Kerrymans attention attention and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Cavan man asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Kerryman doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a €5 note and hands it to the Cavan man. Now, it's the Kerrymans turn. He asks the him, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Cavan man looks at him, puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and wikipedeia. Frustrated, he sends email to all of his colleagues -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Kerryman and hands him €50. The Kerryman politely takes the €50 and turns away, to try to get back to sleep.

The Cavan man, more than a little miffed, shakes the Kerryman and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Kerryman reaches into his wallet, hands the cavan man €5 and turns away, to get back to sleep.

paddyogall (Mayo) - Posts: 5110 - 15/12/2010 21:12:22    833675

Paddyogall,

Get back into your Shell !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 15/12/2010 21:58:27    833711

Have you heard about the cavanman who damaged his health

by drinking milk?

The cow fell on him!

minor10 (Wicklow) - Posts: 82 - 16/12/2010 11:10:46    833771

2 Cavan parents were outraged when their 18 year old daughter returned home from college one weekend announcing that she was pregnant by a 40 year old Dublin business man. The daughter explained that the father had agreed to come up to discuss the many issues involved, particularly as he was a married man with his own kids already.

So the guy arrives up in a flash BMW dressed in an Armani suit.
He says, "I'm willing obviously to support the child so long as wife and kids don't find out"

Cavan father goes, "what do you mean by that?"

The fella goes, "Well if it's a boy I'll sign the deeds of one of my bars in Dublin over to him and I'll leave him my Lamborghini car"
"If it's a girl she'll own one of my factories and I'll leave her my Porsche"
"But if it's a miscarriage...."

Cavan father cuts him off, "YOU'LL ******* RIDE HER AGAIN!"

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9788 - 16/12/2010 11:45:17    833795

What about the Wicklow terrorist who burned his lips on the exhaust pipe of a bus as he was attempting to blow it up !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 16/12/2010 12:41:05    833853

I phoned Ryan Air to book a flight, they woman asked me how many people would be flying with me?? I said how should I know its your Fecking Plane!

alzhiemers group protest marching down the road chanting;
WHAT DO WE WANT?
FECK KNOWS
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
WANT WHAT?

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 16/12/2010 12:49:11    833860

Why does the baker have smelly hands...?



Because he Kneaded a poo.

jimbodub (Dublin) - Posts: 20763 - 16/12/2010 13:00:17    833869

A cavanman won a round the world trip in a raffle.

He refused to accept the prize because

he said he had no way of getting back!

minor10 (Wicklow) - Posts: 82 - 16/12/2010 13:03:03    833873