If ever you suffer the great misfortune to find yourself on a rainswept desolate wilderness where the inhabitants peer out from behind turf stacks then my friend chances are you're in Offaly. You'll hear no birdsong in this place. This grim, bleak landscape is home to some of the ugliest creatures that ever stood on two feet. Reared on a diet of turf your Offaly man speaks in a dialect that is pure bovine in sound. Almost all of them are called Scobie and they spend their days driving tractors for Bord na Mona "beyont in Derrygreenagh". Paradoxically, although this is a land that time forgot the natives themselves are fairly strict about timekeeping. Try finishing a hurling match a few minutes early and the normally docile Biffoes will gather in a herd, lie on the grass and bellow loudly. Mind you they did only need to hurl for six minutes to win an All-Ireland one year. Now I know what you are saying, "Andy, surely its not that bad a county. Didn't they give us a great laugh the day yer man Darby pushed and shoved his way past those uppity Kerrymen. And didn't Matt Connor come from Offaly ?". I'll concede that the odd nugget of gold can be found even in Offaly, but I would also give great credence to the rumour that Brian Whelehan was actually stolen at birth from across the Shannon by those hobgoblins from Birr. (Pronounced Brrrr. If you visit it, even in mid-Summer, you'll know why). Now there are some good things to be said for this county, namely it's largely by-passed and normally they do tend to stay home and not come bothering the rest of us but they are also guilty of inflicting "The Offaly Rover" on those of us who are music lovers. So if ever on your travels you see the names Tullamore or Edenderry appear on a signpost, hurry on dear reader and be thankful that even in these dark days of recession and fiscal uncertainty that you don't live in Offaly. I think you'll agree this has been a balanced and insightful account of the county. Next week dear reader....Louth. Yours etc, Andy Wind

AndyWind (USA) - Posts: 21 - 11/11/2008 15:58:14    138698

This should be in the Lonely planet...

bennybunny (Cork) - Posts: 3917 - 11/11/2008 17:39:21    138837

good man andy. its a lovly place lads, try getting into a pub in Rhode after a match on a sunday. tis hard to get into them - tis even harder to gett of them. lovley people,salt of the earth decent!!!

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 11/11/2008 17:46:32    138853

Aren't we lucky there's one in charge of the country

"A Rover I have been and a Rover I will stay
And to that faithful county dear, I shall return someday
Uíbh Fhailí, how I miss you with your heather scented air
Silently the peaceful Brosna calls your sons from far and near "


UP THE VILLAGE, UP THE BIFFO'S, UP OBAMA!

Hag_and_Cheese (Tipperary) - Posts: 6103 - 11/11/2008 17:51:15    138866

Andy - very good and lol but I quite like the place! And the people. I see you're from the USA (!!!!) - sure isn't Barack originally from Moneygall - so careful there! Also knew the late Frank Sweeney, composer of the Rover and a thorough gent RIP. A senior county board official is also a good friend of mine and a real good sort. Went to his wedding many moons ago in the coldest place in Ireland, Birr, and had a ball. Best bit was when the barman went to get ice or something when the residents were ensconsed at about 1am. When he came back everyone had a pint glass of spirits in front of them, there were mixer caps all over the floor and no more drink was bought that night. A big learning curve for him I'd imagine. Tullamore is a good town too to give it its Dew! Also Banagher is a magic place on the Shannon and Clara is a quaint spot.

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 11/11/2008 17:54:57    138875

Is this to be a weekly piece Andy.... I'll look forward to it.

Hag_and_Cheese (Tipperary) - Posts: 6103 - 11/11/2008 17:58:22    138884

How is Offaly claiming Obama. This is hilarious stuff !! Jaysus his ancestors must have been pretty "browned-off" with the place when they left !! Get a life lads, is Cowan not enough for yis ?

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 11/11/2008 18:58:47    138958

Threadstarters of this mans' class are sorely wanted - but where? I'm doubtful if this is the forum for him.
He's likely to have been a spindoctor for the PD's or some such body that are becoming redundant.

Boxtyeater (Leitrim) - Posts: 741 - 11/11/2008 19:43:45    139002

roll on louth!

OLLIE (Louth) - Posts: 12224 - 11/11/2008 21:47:59    139100

Brian was "poached" from banagher..

old yellar (None) - Posts: 2630 - 11/11/2008 22:24:41    139126

Birr is quite cold but also boasts the highest recorded temperature in Ireland! I think it also has the lowest but I couldnt be sure.

kobie (Offaly) - Posts: 272 - 12/11/2008 11:28:10    139404

They've signs up in Moneygall claiming the it's the home of Obama. The 2 pub's in the town is gearing up for all the tourists. you can also get 40/1 odds that obama will visit moneygall in his first term.

Funny little town village is in offaly GAA field is in tipp and the play in the tipp championship too.

Hag_and_Cheese (Tipperary) - Posts: 6103 - 12/11/2008 11:51:43    139434

taht was offaly good andy

DUBEXILE (Dublin) - Posts: 57 - 12/11/2008 12:11:48    139457

brilliant and true......

Dessie15 (Westmeath) - Posts: 215 - 12/11/2008 12:25:05    139472

This is definitely a regular poster who has gone undercover to start this! My money is on Horse!

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 12/11/2008 14:33:39    139593

United States President-elect Barack Obama's great-great-great grandfather, Falmouth Kearney, was born and raised in Moneygall, County Offaly.... according to Wikipedia, so it must be true

Maroonatic (Galway) - Posts: 1066 - 14/11/2008 23:47:22    141998

Pathetic bitterness, get a bloody girlfriend man! Typically Irish begrudgery...if we're not hating on the english (deserved), we're hating on each other. Bottom line is this... 1. we have 70,000 people and have won 7 all irelands and 19 provincial titles 2. there are travelling people galore here, but isn't the whole country crawling with them these days... 3. Birr is the warmest town in Ireland too, and it's a beautiful little place 4. we've got one third of the Sleive Blooms (ever heard of them yank?) 5. there's as much nice scenery and good people here as anywhere in Ireland 6. Scobie was used in a stupid RTE production called "Pure Mule"...an expression I've never heard in my life 7. Offaly isn't perfect but small mindedness like this is sickening and nothing to do with GAA (editor...what the f***?) 8. Andy...there's plenty of other stuff on the internet to relieve your 'frustration'... 9...and I'll bet you anything I'm twice as intelligent as you, 3 times as good looking and I'd kick 4 types of s**te outa ya. 10. Aidan Quinn (actor), Brian Cowen, Mundy, Brian Wheelahan, Pat Carroll, the Dooleys, Matt Connor, Willie Bryan, Tony MacTauge, Joachim Kelly, Johnny Pilkington, Vinny Claffey...and you won't say Offaly is ugly again if you actually SEE the villages of Clareen, Geashill, Kinnity, Mountbolus, Shannonbridge, Clonbologue...you are too cowardly to even mention your county, why's that? Tullamore is a bloody fine town too, as is Birr. Ever heard of Birr castle and gardens or Clonmacnoise? 11. My old man's a farmer and I'm damn proud to be a culchie. You were probably from a crappy housing estate yeah?? 12. William Bulfin (Birr), rose the tricolour over the GPO in 1916...Uibh Fhaili go Bragh! 13. The english gave us a nice inferiority complex, so we have to take it out on the guys down the country...much like a schoolyard bully...cowardly and pathetic. If you aspire to be like the english be my guest...pathetic yuppie. 14. Where are YOU from coward? I'll show you some real wit...not that pretentious crap you wrote.

offalyfaithful (Offaly) - Posts: 120 - 16/11/2008 07:02:17    142252

Offally faithful, relax man. It was clearly just a wind up, and a pretty good one by the looks of it. For what its worth Offally a fine place(Brian Cowen aside). I'd be fairly well acquainted with the terrain around Shannonbridge, Ferbane and Banagher and no travellogue BS would ever be able to capture the pure silent grace of the landscape around there.

mossbags (Galway) - Posts: 1089 - 16/11/2008 16:13:12    142336

By the way Faithful, forgot to mention its also clear that the topic starter is a Laois man.

mossbags (Galway) - Posts: 1089 - 16/11/2008 17:09:04    142381

Yeah perhaps something of an over reaction! I'd say it's Horse from Laois, and God knows he's not to be taken seriously.

By the way, in my post I made no reference to 'travellers', I said Kn***ers...which means scumbags, rather than travellers!
Sorry for confusion editor.

offalyfaithful (Offaly) - Posts: 120 - 17/11/2008 02:59:20    142622