Mad Cows
Q: What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

A: One is mad cow disease while the other has something to do with beef.

washer (Westmeath) - Posts: 39 - 25/11/2008 23:27:34    150005

A meath man a westmeath and an offaly man are on a train compartment together with a hot babe & an old dear. the train goes through a tunnel.........SMACK!!!!!!!! train emerges from tunnel the meath man has been decked and is on the floor holding his smacked puss. Hot babe thinks "he just felt up the old dear thinking it was me & she decked him". Old dear thinks "he just felt up that young girl & she decked him ". Westmeath man thinks "I cant wait til the next tunnel so i can smack that meath b.@@.x again"

washer (Westmeath) - Posts: 39 - 25/11/2008 23:34:57    150008

An Englishman, an Irishmand and a Scotsman walk in to a bar.

The barman says 'Is this a joke?"

3inarow2008 (Kerry) - Posts: 204 - 26/11/2008 03:21:09    150075

Young fella goes over to London for the weekend and happens to straggle into a gay bar. "Pint of carlsberg please" no problem says the barman and after about 5 more pints of carlsberg the young lad passes out. The barman takes him out the back and has his wicked way with him.
Following night young lad lands in again not kowing anything"Pint of carlsberg please" barman cant believe his luck and the same thing happens again.
After about the fourth night young lad lands in again and the barman cant believe his luck "Pint of heineken please" says the young lad. The barman looks at him strangely and says "are you sure you wont have a carlsberg?" I wont says the young lad it gives me an awful pain in the h***.

JohnMitchel (Dublin) - Posts: 178 - 26/11/2008 10:00:01    150145

Did you hear about the drunk egg?
He's walking around college with his yolk hanging out!

conor15 (None) - Posts: 347 - 26/11/2008 14:00:38    150418

Did you know that boxers don't have *** before a big fight?


It's cos they don't fancy each other.


Who are the most decent people working in hospitals?

The ultrasound people.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 10167 - 26/11/2008 15:17:53    150519

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

Frances56 (Dublin) - Posts: 378 - 27/11/2008 15:54:41    151622

A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims,

"Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?"

Her suprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get hiccups when I do it that way."

Frances56 (Dublin) - Posts: 378 - 27/11/2008 15:56:06    151624

A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"

Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

Frances56 (Dublin) - Posts: 378 - 27/11/2008 15:59:53    151629

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having *** all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!".

Frances56 (Dublin) - Posts: 378 - 27/11/2008 16:02:23    151633

This couple are in bed one cold wet windy night. In the middle of the night they hear a knock on the door, but ignore it. 2 minutes later they hear the knock again. The husband opens the door and there is this soaking wet fella there who says "you couldn't give me a push could you". The husband says feck off and goes to bed. On his return he tells the wife what happened. She says, "you remember 2 years ago our car broke down in the middle of a stormy night, and we went to a house, and the helpfully man there sorted us out. Maybe we should do the same for that fella". So the husband gets up, goes down to the door, opens it and shouts into the wind "where are you", to which you man replies "I'm on the swing".

setanta0 (Louth) - Posts: 112 - 27/11/2008 16:50:14    151706

Santa
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 27/11/2008 20:46:37    151939

NOAH'S ARK 2008

In the year 2008 The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
Ireland , and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of
every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard, but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for smoke alarms, a sprinkler system and a fire
escape never mind the hassle about life boats and life jackets.

My near neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning
permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development
of the site and a change of use, even though in my view it is a
temporary structure.

An Taisce have objected to the Ark because it is a once off structure
- we are currently appealing their decision to An Bord Pleannala.

We had to then go to appeal to the Minister for a decision on the
planning application and it now looks like that will end in the High
Court and after that there is the Supreme Court and even the European
Court of Justice.

Then the Department of Transport and the Road Safety Authority and the
ESB demanded a bond of ?200,000 each, be posted for the future costs
of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the
passage for the Ark 's move to the sea as well as the possible road
widening. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they
would hear nothing of it and said I was watching too much TV.

Getting the wood for the Ark was another problem. All the decent trees
have Tree Preservation Orders on them and as we live in an Area of
Special Conservation set up in order to protect the spotted owl I will
have to import the timber. This will involve licenses and application
to the Department of Enterprise and Trade. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
Some of the hippies even moved into the trees to 'protect' them.

When I started gathering the other animals, the ISPCA sued me. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will and that
there were animal welfare 'issues'. They argued the accommodation was
too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals
in a confined space. The rangers from the Department of the
Environment -(Parks and Wildlife) are on my case as well and there is
a prosecution pending for illegal 'hunting' and trapping.

DUBEXILE (Dublin) - Posts: 57 - 28/11/2008 09:42:15    152149

(Sorry but had to post in two parts beacuse of the 4000 characters rule)

Then the County Council, their Environment Agency and the Rivers
Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. The Department
of Agriculture say I should be notifying the movements of the animals
for traceability and that the nitrogen produced by all the animals
will contravene the EU Nitrates Directive. They are sending inspectors
out next week.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my
building team.

The 4 trades unions involved in the building project say I can't use
my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited 'fully-qualified'
workers with Ark-building experience and that I pay at least twice the
minimum wage and have you seen the paperwork associated with PAYE
Pensions and PRSI?

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered
species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The Irish Government are beating me to it.'

DUBEXILE (Dublin) - Posts: 57 - 28/11/2008 09:43:19    152151

A drunk walks into a library and walks up to the desk and slurringly asks the Librarian for " Quarter Pounder and a bag of chips"
The Librarian replied " Excuse me but this is a Library"
The Drunk then whispered " Sorry can i have a quarter pounder and bag of chips"

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 28/11/2008 09:44:54    152154

Tiger Woods just won a golf tournament in Limerick Years ago, part of his prize being a top of the range Volvo. He decided to drive it to the airport. on his way to Dublin he picked up a man in Tipp, who didnt seem to recognise him. A few miles into the trip the Tipp man was amazed by all the gadgets on the Dashboard. He asked what does that button do. Tiger said press it and i'll show you. He pressed it and next thing the driver and passnger seats gave both men a back and neck massage. " Thats Great!" said the tipp man amazed. Next thing he saw the stereo and he was confused by it so he asked how it worked and and Tiger explained " Speak towards it saying the band, song or music type you want and it will play it for you" The Tipp man stayed loyal to his county and said Louise Morrisey and lo and behold there she came on the stereo singing " Slievenamon". the tipp man couldnt believe it. He kept looking at things in the car when he spotted the multicoloured golf tees beside the gear stick. He picked them up and asked Tiger" What are these for". Tiger replied " they are for putting my balls on when I am driving" The tipp man replied " Those feckers at Volvo think of everything"

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 28/11/2008 09:55:35    152163

this thread is the best thing i ever did.

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 28/11/2008 10:39:15    152219

A chinaman arrives in galway fresh after emigrating from China. He goes to the first hat shop he sees and goes around the shop looking. The assistant notices him checking the labels of all the hats in the shop but notrying any of them on. Confused the assistant approaches the chinaman and asks what is he looking for. The chinaman replies " A Fox Hat". The assistant said " You must be mistaken, never heard of it, are you sure". The chinaman got angry and said " Yes, A Fox Hat". "Well" said the assistant " I am working the past forty years in the hat game, making and selling them and i never heard of a fox hat, where did you hear about it", wondering to himself was he missing out on a new trend. "My Father told me about it" replied the Chinaman "when i told him i was leaving China". "What exactly did he say" asked the assistant.
The Chinaman replied "He asked me "where i was going to". I said " ireland". He said " Ireland, wear the fox hat!!!"

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 28/11/2008 12:13:45    152326

The pope was getting picked up at knock church in a limo. Before he got into the limo he asked the drvier " can I drive I never get to drive because I'm always chauffeured around everywhere". So the chauffeur gives the pope his drivers cap and the pope starts driving.

So as the pope is heading towards Dublin he is absolutely milling road down the motorway. The pope is soon pulled over by the gardai as he is going well over the speed limit. A garda goes up to the limo and asks the driver to put down the driver's window. He is stunned to find the pope driving and asks the pope to hold on a minute.

The garda rings up the superintendent and tells him he has pulled over a very important person. "Who is it?" asks the superintendent, "is it a local TD" . "More important " replies the garda, "is it the president?" , "more important than the president" replies the garda. The superintendent then asks "is it the Taoiseach?" , "oh more important!!!" replies the garda, "but sure who is more important than the Taoiseach" asks the superintendent. " Well I think its god " says the garda, "well why do you think that?" says the superintendent, "Well he has the pope driving".

Clash-of-da-ash (Galway) - Posts: 927 - 28/11/2008 12:27:59    152344

re: bananapublican

where can you get those tee things?? They'd handy for the ould lad he's no cushion on the seat of the massy ferguson might get rid of his john wayne walk! Nice little christmas present

Hag_and_Cheese (Tipperary) - Posts: 6103 - 28/11/2008 12:44:39    152364