An old cowboy is sat in a bar when a young lady comes up to him and asks''Are you a real cowboy''Well 'he says'Iv spent my whole life on the ranch,herding horses,mending fences,and branding cattle,so i guess i am''Well im a lesbian'' she says,''I spend my whole day thinking about women,As soon as i get up in the morning i think of women,When i shower,watch TV,or eat i think of women;The woman leaves and a man sits beside him and asks him''Are you a real cowboy''.The old cowboy says,'Well i thought i was but i just found out im a lesbian''

mr.blue (Mayo) - Posts: 71 - 13/05/2011 12:32:45    929872

My daughter got sent home from school for swearing today.

I said what did u say?

She said the 'c' word.

I looked at her very disappointed and said its not clever is it.

She said no, it was 'c--t'.

mr.blue (Mayo) - Posts: 71 - 13/05/2011 12:33:41    929873

Jock is getting married and goes into a Kilt shop as say " I'm getting Married a week on Saturday and I don't know if to wear a Kilt or Trews" the shop assistant asks "whatS the Tartan?" Jock replies O' she'll be wearing a white dress.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 13/05/2011 13:16:49    929927

Two old punk rockers meet at a Punk concert and decide to go back to his place for sex.
They fall into bed and kiss passionately then the guy says, Hang on I'll sort out some of our type of music. "Pretty Vacant', then blasts around the bedroom.
"Ooh", says the girl, "is this Johnny Rotten?"
The guy says,"No I've never used it before"

freilly (Wicklow) - Posts: 118 - 13/05/2011 15:06:24    930078

Pippa Middleton the most talked about Royal arse since Prince Andrew.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 13/05/2011 16:05:28    930152

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's

brendtheredhand (Tyrone) - Posts: 10897 - 13/05/2011 16:11:46    930162

just bought a premiership toolbox.... unfortunately there was no hammers in it

bigbomb (Laois) - Posts: 24 - 16/05/2011 19:19:12    932368

paddy and mick at the airport, paddy says to mick, "wish I'd brought the television' why says mick are you bored? "no says paddy, the passports are on the top of it! "

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 20/05/2011 10:14:36    935221

Paddy was at the bus stop when Mick pulls up in his car.. "Want a lift Paddy?" Paddy says "better not Mick in case I miss my bus"

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 20/05/2011 13:53:34    935496

for those of us who love the GAA on wednesday it was a step too far. At the site of the single greatest injustice in ourhistory to invite those responsible back to the sceneof the crime is gauling. Some will say its time for neighbours to forget the past, but the sight of the royals out onthe pitch surrounded by gardi will onlyopen ole wounds. It wasn't a fuc@@ng goal and louth won Lenister!!!

withualltheway (Louth) - Posts: 570 - 20/05/2011 14:11:52    935519

Paddy and Murphy were walking down the road when Paddy noticed a mirror on the ground. Paddy picked it up and looked into the mirror.

"I know this guy in the mirror" he said.

Murphy took it off him, looked into the mirror and said "OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHO IT IS. ITS ME YOU IDIOT!"


Paddy took his goldfish to the vet, he says, I think its epileptic, the vet says, it looks calm enough to me......... Paddy says, well he fecking would i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!

Paddy says to Mick, can you spell ORANGE? after an age thinking about it, Mick says , oh thats a trick one, do you mean the Fruit or the Colour?

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 26/05/2011 17:44:53    940990

Jokes about women's problems are not funny. Period.

shinokamparos (Meath) - Posts: 21 - 27/05/2011 15:43:03    941644

I went out and bought FIFA the other day.
It's great being the president of Qatar.

square_ball_69 (Westmeath) - Posts: 826 - 31/05/2011 19:19:45    944832

Police are investigating an ice cream man who was found dead in the back of his van. He was covered in raspberry syrup, 100's and 1000's and chocolate flakes. They thik he might have topped himself.

A new contraceptive pill has been invented by the Catholic Church. It weighs 20 stone and you wedge it behind the door when the husband comes in from the pub.

Ulsterman (Antrim) - Posts: 9818 - 31/05/2011 19:30:23    944844

fortyfive
County: Tyrone
Posts: 2959

935221
paddy and mick at the airport, paddy says to mick, "wish I'd brought the television' why says mick are you bored? "no says paddy, the passports are on the top of it! "

Since when are racist jokes acceptable, it's not funny to lie over and accept the notion that we are ignorant as portrayed by parts of the British establishment and media. By retelling these jokes you are confirming that notion that we, you and me, your brothers and sisters, our parents and children are of a lesser intellegence that our British neighbours.

This is not lacking in a sense of humour but an abhorrence of this lazy type of "humour". I remember British comedians coming over here and appearing on the Late late and opening their act by saying, I love the Oirish, you can laugh at yourselves, then proceeded to lampoon the very audience he was playing to.

ochonlir (Cavan) - Posts: 4343 - 31/05/2011 20:30:26    944895

lighten up there ochonlir I'm no racist and I wouldn't be the first Irishman to tell a paddy joke , Jimmy Cricket , Frank Carson ,Brendan Grace and Brendan O'Caroll to name but a few


What did the mexican fireman name his kids?

Jose and hose B.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 31/05/2011 21:53:56    944962

Im not saying you are racist but by posting jokes that portray us as stupid and ignorant you are reinforcing a preducial stereotype. I couldnt remember any material of the people you mention and wouldnt have thought they would fit the criteria you suggest, but the notion that other people have done so before so that makes it alright is a poor argument.

Oirish people are stupid and they even buy into this notion is an absurdity. Most people have moved on and what was acceptable in the past is not now I dont hear commedians now telling racist jokes.

ochonlir (Cavan) - Posts: 4343 - 01/06/2011 08:33:41    944980

get a grip ochonlir, unless your being funny.If so, great post.

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 01/06/2011 09:14:37    944996

Fight for your right to lampoon ourselves rhodejim

ochonlir (Cavan) - Posts: 4343 - 01/06/2011 09:18:58    945000

ochonlir
County: Cavan
Posts: 2880

945000
Fight for your right to lampoon ourselves rhodejim

bye the way Paddy was English his father was Irish and Murphy was a yank!. but if you still feel offended by my joke you have my profound apologises .

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 01/06/2011 10:49:45    945093