A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tyre, and got out to walk for help. After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tyre. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" he asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl.

"Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk.

"I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound."

The head monk just shook his head. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said.

"Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"

The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."

The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 31/03/2011 15:23:50    900125

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky.

He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded. "Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."

The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.

The head monk heard his answer and nodded. "Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation."

And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.

He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.

And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.
But I cant tell you because your not a monk.

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 31/03/2011 15:24:55    900129

A professor at Oxford University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his class, he asks, 'How many of you believe in ghosts?' 90 pupils raise their hand. 'Of those who believe in ghosts, how many think you've seen a ghost?' 40 pupils raise their hand. That's really good. 'Anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 3 ...pupils raise their hand. Fantastic. Now let me ask you one further question. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' At the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience'. The Middle Eastern pupil replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have s*x with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said goat"

skinthecat (Galway) - Posts: 394 - 31/03/2011 15:45:02    900148

s goldrick
County: Cavan
Posts: 566

900077
IT's ONLY THURSDAY !!!

Goodman S.G Tomorrow is Fridays Fools Day.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 31/03/2011 15:49:49    900153

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian ' I hope you don't have any books in reverse pyschology..'

Con Cavan (Cavan) - Posts: 894 - 31/03/2011 16:44:08    900206

A builder comes home early from work one day to find his wife in bed with another man. He grabs the little rat from the bed and gives him a few punches before dragging him down to the garage. He grabs his still wet ***** and places it in the vice before tightening it to the very tightest he could get it while the cheater screamed for mercy. He broke the end off the vice to make it inoperable. after this he goes to the back of the garage and returns with a hacksaw. The man in the vice shouts "don't tell me you are going to cut it off". "No" said the builder "You are, after I set the garage on fire"

po3nmotion (Leitrim) - Posts: 222 - 31/03/2011 17:49:27    900272

sounds like a plot from a tarantino film!

DABLACKSPOT (Westmeath) - Posts: 551 - 31/03/2011 18:06:47    900293

Midwife says to Paddy. "Your Wifes just had triplets" "Im not surprised" says Paddy. "My manhood is as big as a chimney" Midwife replies, "Well you better get it swept then, because they're all black".

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 01/04/2011 16:28:26    900962

A man is sitting on a plane beside a woman
The woman sneezes then her whole body shudders
The man tried to act like he hadnt noticed
A couple of minutes later the woman sneezes again and her body shudders uncontrolably
This happens a few more times and the man cant resist and asked the woman
"excuse me madam but every few minutes you sneeze and then your body shudders, are you ok?"
The woman replies "every time i sneeze i have an orgasm"
The man says "are you taking anything for it?"


"Pepper" replies the lady

b.mullins (Dublin) - Posts: 1413 - 01/04/2011 18:15:30    901049

who needs a jokes thread when we have ball-boy?

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 01/04/2011 18:20:46    901053

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a w***er then!"

d_hurler (Dublin) - Posts: 77 - 08/04/2011 15:09:10    906896

rite lads im best man at a wedding in a months time and i need a stories.....anyone help me out??

sluddensdentist (Tyrone) - Posts: 120 - 12/04/2011 15:43:21    909922

great.

taz. (Tyrone) - Posts: 43 - 12/04/2011 16:39:05    910013

Jack Russell and Doberman sitting in vets waiting room .... Doberman says to Jack Russell what are you here for .. well I'm here to be put down as I bit my owner last night when se was washing me.....O that not good says the Doberman.
After a while the Jack Russell says to the Doberman whats your story .. well says the Doberman the other day my owner had just come out of the shower and was bending down in front of me when her towel slipped off .. I couldn't resist myself so I hopped up and did what a good doggie does best. So your in he now to be put down says the Jack Russell .. no says the Doberman I'm in to have my nail clipped.

chainsaw (Laois) - Posts: 712 - 12/04/2011 17:29:24    910104

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.

mon (Galway) - Posts: 675 - 15/04/2011 13:40:50    912188

The Hotel Bill,

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of Chicago's most expensive hotel.


When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."


The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."


'But I didn't use them," she said.


''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers fromNew York , Los Angeles , and Las Vegas performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." '
'That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could

mon (Galway) - Posts: 675 - 15/04/2011 13:42:22    912192

what about about the fat transvestite? All he wanted was, to eat, drink and be Mary

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 04/05/2011 16:07:22    923555

Wife tells husband, "Go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 10/05/2011 13:43:47    927494

A young woman was mortified when she walked past an elderly man sitting on a park bench with his trousers and jocks around his ankles.
"What do you think you're doing?!?", she asked.


"Well I sat out here shirtless the other day when it was breezy and I got a stiff neck so...."

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9788 - 10/05/2011 14:19:09    927551

I know it's not Friday but this one had me cracking up at lunch time:

Scottish man goes into the dentist and asks how much for an extraction. €65 replies the dentist.. ach that too dear, how much if I no have the gas or anaesthetic, That is quiet abnormal replies the dentist and would be extremely painful. No matter says the Scots man how much?.. I'd say about €45 says the dentist.. still too dear says the Scots man. How about if I let a trainee extract the tooth, without the gas or anaesthetic and you can use it as a teaching class… The dentist insists that that would be extremely painful as the trainee would not be qualified and would not be as professional as him. No matter says the Scots man how much. Dentist says ok so €15, tooth extraction in the chair, no gas or anaesthetic and job done by a trainee… excellent says the Scots man… can I book in the wife for Monday?

Horsebox77 (Kerry) - Posts: 5491 - 11/05/2011 16:40:20    928513