~ A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know politicans- they say all kind of things."
~ A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 04/03/2011 16:11:10    881419

what do you make after a sentance?
An appeal.

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 04/03/2011 16:15:25    881429

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and
the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult,
but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started
to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said...



"A Chihuahua? They gave me a ******* Chihuahua?!"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 04/03/2011 16:24:48    881443

Cavan_Slasher
County: Cavan
Posts: 7440

881419
~ A busload of politicians were driving down a country road ..


__________________


thats the problem with this country ..

Con Cavan (Cavan) - Posts: 894 - 04/03/2011 16:28:34    881451

Paddy was sick to death of next doors dog barking all night,and the neighbours not doing anything about it.
One night he finally snapped and at 2am got up saying "That's it, am gunna sort this out!", 30 minuets later
he got back into bed, his wife said "not sure what you've done but its not worked, its still barking", Paddy said "I know I've put
the dog in our garden,see how they ******* like it!!".

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 04/03/2011 16:55:35    881484

What did the horse say to the jockey Well howya gettin on

gerrymac55 (Waterford) - Posts: 16 - 06/03/2011 20:38:26    882573

My lesiban s neighbours baught me a rolex for my birthday think they got wrong idea when i told them i wanta watch...

dannyone (Mayo) - Posts: 176 - 06/03/2011 20:53:10    882600

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

Apparantly all of the pictures on my laptop are worth a very long sentence.

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 07/03/2011 11:59:27    882808

dannyone
County: Mayo
Posts: 153

My lesiban s neighbours baught me a rolex for my birthday think they got wrong idea when i told them i wanta watch...

Facebook???

hurlingguru (Carlow) - Posts: 1847 - 07/03/2011 16:01:05    883029

Regarding the Kole Touré failed drugs test. I think the real question that needs to be asked is why a top Premier League player is married to a woman that has to use dietary pills.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9788 - 07/03/2011 16:18:08    883059

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/03/2011 16:06:12    884683

Once upon a time there lived a flat fish called Evan. He wasn't like the other fish though. He was always a bit of a rebel and tried to do things differently.
Each morning he and his brothers would get up to go to school with all the other fishes.
"Hey", he'd say to his brother Paul, "let's go over to that fissure where the water is hot and bask a bit."
"No, Evan", he'd reply. "That's where the squid hangs out and he loves to eat fish like us. It's too dangerous."
"You're such a cowardy custard", replied Evan. "I want some danger."

He was an inquisitive little fish too, always asking questions of his parents. "Dad, what's down there where the water gets really deep?"
"Monsters, son. Strange fluorescent monsters with eyes on stalks and more tentacles than a room full of octopuses. Whales too. Great big whales who just open their mouths and swallow you up."
"And what about over there amongst those rock formations?"
"Eels, son. And stingrays who don't care if you hunt crocodiles or not. And Manta Rays who are always hungry and looking for a snack and they love little fish like you."
"And what about where the light shines near the surface?"
At this his father grew serious. "You can never go up there son. It is a place without water. Instead they have a dry substance they call air. This air will get into your gills and kill you. As well as that there are disgusting bipeds up there who would cut you open, pull your guts out, chop your head off, stick a smelly bulb inside you, cover you with salt then bake you in a place called 'the oven' where the air is as hot and dry as a camel's flange. Promise me you will never go there, son. Promise me!"
"I promise, Dad".
"Good lad, now lend your mother a fin with the dinner. I'm starving. I hope it's seahorse again. Mmmmm, seahorse."
Now, those of you reading who have children of your own will know that the best way to make a child interested in something is to expressly forbid them from having anything to do with it. And so it was with Evan. He became obsessed with the land above and sought out those who knew about it.
He went from one old wise fish to another and each one of them told him the same thing. That if he went there he would surely die and that his life was sub-aqua with his family and friends.
One day though he met a flying fish. They were highly regard by all the others as they could leap out of the water and when they weren't being pulled out of the sky by a castaway and fed to a Bengal tiger they could look around them and see what was going on. It was well known that they had lots of information about what went on above the surface.
"Hey", he said to the flying fish. "Can you tell me what happens up there?"
"Sure kid", said the flying fish, whose name was Arnold. He went on to describe in vivid detail everything he'd seen. Islands, lagoons, rock formations and even the strange bipeds his father had warned him about. The only problem was the fact he couldn't get up there. No matter how close he swam to the shore he was unable to get out of the water and onto the beach.

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 10/03/2011 10:52:21    885202

Once again though Arnold was able to help him. Every day after school Evan would race over to Arnold's crevice and take lessons on how to jump up and out of the water. At first he was given exercises which made him waggle his tail fin and swim fast. He was impatient though, saying to Arnold "When do I learn to jump?"
Arnold replied, "Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, jumping good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?"
Soon though he learned to focus on the job at hand and before long he was making mighty leaps through the air and back into the sea. He practiced and practiced until he became expert and then he knew it was time.
One morning having just left home he confided in his brother what he was going to do.
"I'm going to jump so far and then I will be where no fish has been before. The excitement, the danger, I'll make history. People will know my name all over the sea. I'll be famous. You can be my manager."
"Please don't do it!", cried Paul. He knew his brother and realised that he hadn't thought about how he was going to get back. He had visions of him flopping backwards and forwards as the poisonous air dried out his gills. "You'll die, I don't want you to die."
"There's nothing you can say to stop me, Paul. It is time for me to face up to my destiny. I will soar through the air and once I hit the land I will feel mighty. Then I will come back and claim my position as the world's greatest ever fish."
Paul knew now his brother had lost his tiny little mind. He tried to stop him again but his pleas fell on deaf ears. He knew he needed help and raced back home to get his father. He swam as fast as he could and explained the situation as they swam like lightning back to where he'd left his brother but it was too late. As they neared the shore they saw something moving as fast as a bullet, silver glistening as the sun's rays came through the water. Then with a flick of his tail he took off out of the water and landed thirty feet on the beach, never to be seen again.
"We were too late", sobbed Paul, distraught at this loss of his sibling.
"Evan is a plaice on earth.".................

sorry!

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 10/03/2011 10:52:36    885203

Dont believe you made me read all that rhodejim!

Derry_ledd (Derry) - Posts: 2093 - 10/03/2011 11:07:36    885217

John & Mary decide to spice up their relationship by trying new positions...
John never tried a 69 so Mary says she'll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself above his face she breaks wind.
Apologising profusely she tries again but lets another one go.
John jumps up and storms out yelling "You can f*ck off if you think I'm hanging around for another 67 of them...."

d_hurler (Dublin) - Posts: 77 - 11/03/2011 13:13:38    886360

Lockjaw
County: Donegal
Posts: 1749

883059 Regarding the Kole Touré failed drugs test. I think the real question that needs to be asked is why a top Premier League player is married to a woman that has to use dietary pills.

This should be awarded the absolute worst joke of the thread. Well done

ConnollyDub (Dublin) - Posts: 2007 - 11/03/2011 14:00:10    886413

Paddy was stopped by the police, they asked "where were you between 5 and 11 ?" "Primary School" he replied.

He went to book a flight on Ryanair, operator asked "How many are flying with you ?", he replied "How would I know, its your feckin plane"!!

Burnsey (Down) - Posts: 561 - 31/03/2011 13:20:46    899964

With the recession Tom had to let either Mary or Jack go. This decision was causing him a lot of anguish. Finally he mustered up the confidence to approach Mary as she was at the water cooler. Tom said" Mary with the recession I am going to have to lay you or Jack off"
Mary replied " Could you Jack off as I have a headache"

po3nmotion (Leitrim) - Posts: 222 - 31/03/2011 13:37:15    899990

Dear madam your application to join our dating service has been refused you failed on question 14...."What's the best way to a man's heart?" "Straight through the ******** back with a pick axe" was not the answer....

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 31/03/2011 14:15:55    900042

IT's ONLY THURSDAY !!!

s goldrick (Cavan) - Posts: 5522 - 31/03/2011 14:40:22    900077