A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 11/02/2011 12:23:36    865307

An American, A French, A Polish and an Irish man were at the top of the Eiffel Tower. The American takes out 100 $1 bills and throws them over, turns and says "In America we are all rich, we have so much money!"
The French man not wanting to be outdone pulls out a bottle of champange and opens it, and pours it over the side of the tower. "In France every body drinks champange, we ave so much champange we can bathe in it!
Now the Irish man started to think and turned to look at the Polish man who automatically said "DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!"

rossielassie (Roscommon) - Posts: 672 - 11/02/2011 20:08:41    865761

A Ferbane couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African black bush tribe whose men all had private parts that were 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
Private part and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the member to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
Looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
Procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his special something.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
Experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 14/02/2011 12:28:43    867199

The Hotel Bill
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.


When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."


The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from UK performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Doublebounce (Tyrone) - Posts: 26 - 14/02/2011 13:34:47    867271

Keep them coming dhorse.Don't know where you get them!

noneutrals (Dublin) - Posts: 316 - 14/02/2011 13:58:39    867307

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 14/02/2011 14:36:38    867351

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that


is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 15/02/2011 14:12:06    868174

A tough looking group of bikers were riding by when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

The biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl......"

Doublebounce (Tyrone) - Posts: 26 - 15/02/2011 20:04:13    868650

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of bird strike collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
.
.
.
.
.
"Defrost the chicken."

Doublebounce (Tyrone) - Posts: 26 - 15/02/2011 20:07:16    868654

Paddy & Mick at the Morgue to Identify Seamus's body that's been badly burnt,
Paddy goes first,turns the body over,looks at his bun and says "that's not him."
Mick goes next,turns the body over,looks at the bum and says "your right Paddy,
that's not him." Dr asks " How do you know its not him?". Mick replies "cos when we all used two
go out together folk would say..... Here come Shamus with the 2 ****holes!

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 17/02/2011 17:18:32    870125

Ok so heres a few classics. What do you call a spanish man with no legs walking across a field?........gracias!!! What do you call a spanish man who's just lost his car?.......carlos!!! What do you call a spanish man who's just left the hospital?......manuel!!!

Htaem (Meath) - Posts: 8657 - 18/02/2011 10:37:10    870491

Why did Jesus never make it as a professional football player?

He was never good with crosses.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Liverpool??

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin....


Scouser walks into the DSS and says "Ive just been offered a ****job, if i take it will it affect my benefits??"....

Take That have announced that they will be playing at Anfield next year. I've got a tenner on them winning 4 - 0

Fella goes to a brothel and asks how much for total humiliation. the madam says $37.50. what do i get for that, he asks. a liverpool shirt!!

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 18/02/2011 11:43:51    870561

Mick was walking by Mattie's farm and had a look into the yard to see was there anything going on. Mattie is there dressed in a Borat stle mankini. He has a feather duster and he's tickling under the wheel arches of his Massey Ferguson tractor. The he starts rubbing himself provocatively against the PTO and bending over in front of the Massey in a lewd fashion.
"Jaysus Mattie" shouts Mick, "What are you up to?"
Mattie goes scarlet and says "I'm caught Mick so I'll come clean. Me and the woman were having some problems keeping the flame burning in the bedroom and we had to get professional help. This was one of the solutions they came up with for me".
"How in God's name is this supposed to help?" says Mick.
"Well I don't know", says Mattie, " but the doctor said I should try doing something sexy to attract her".

Greenfield (Meath) - Posts: 524 - 22/02/2011 16:15:15    873772

Paddy And Murphy decided to go to London to donate some sperm...it was a disaster......Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus!.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 22/02/2011 17:11:26    873833

Dedicated To Shem.


George Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, ''Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?''


The bartender says, ''Yep, that's him.''

So the guy walks over and says, ''Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?''

Bush says, ''I'm planning WW III.''

The guy says, ''Really? What's going to happen?''

Bush says, ''Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big headlamps."

The guy exclaimed, ''A blonde with big t*ts? Why kill a blonde with big headlamps?''



Bush turns to the bartender and says,

''See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 23/02/2011 15:00:00    874570

Bloke in a nite-club sees a big fat girl at the bar,

he walks upto her and asks

"Have you got a pen?"

She looks up, smiles and says "Yes!"

Well he says " You'd better go back to it then before the farmer notices your missing!"

late.down.fan (Down) - Posts: 41 - 24/02/2011 19:40:15    875831

JOKE OF THE DAY!! :

a boy was in court with his parents for custody!
Judge: do u want to go live ur your mammy ?
Boy: no
...Judge: why ?
Boy: because my mammy beats me...

Judge: Do u want to go live with ur daddy?
Boy: no
Judge: why ?
Boy: because my daddy beats me...

Judge: where do u wanna live then ?
Boy: Wicklow.
Judge: Why Wicklow??

Boy: Because they beat nobody

wildrover (Carlow) - Posts: 242 - 27/02/2011 17:37:54    877356

I got caught stealing full stops.
I'm looking at a lengthy sentence.

Superglue (Kerry) - Posts: 1283 - 04/03/2011 12:56:51    881198

why did he Mayo team have to buy ladies mountain bikes?
because they couldnt get there balls over the bar.

CrossBar (Galway) - Posts: 362 - 04/03/2011 13:30:33    881224

Superglue
County: Kerry
Posts: 130

881198 I got caught stealing full stops.
I'm looking at a lengthy sentence.

Damn you, I was storing that one for an opportune grammar/theft related post!!!

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12378 - 04/03/2011 14:13:34    881279