A piece of advice:

Never try to high-five a Rabbi. It will only offend him.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9788 - 19/11/2010 15:35:47    819487

Lockjaw
County: Donegal
Posts: 1512

819487 A piece of advice:

Never try to high-five a Rabbi. It will only offend him.

Where'd you hear that Jaw?Its a good one, but i cant remember where i seen/heard it!!!

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 19/11/2010 15:40:38    819494

A man complained that his wife was always giving out about his driving. She kept saying that he could not drive straight, could not reverse etc. One day he told his friend that he was really happy because he managed to go into a carpark and reverse into a spot between two cars. He said that someone must have been watching him because when he returned to his car he found a note on his windscreen saying "PARKING FINE" !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 19/11/2010 16:05:12    819515

Jimmy Carr! There's another one but it's probably too anti-Semitic for this innocent board!

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9788 - 19/11/2010 16:08:34    819519

An English comedian comes to the Bogside Inn ,he come's on stage and shouts "HELLO LONDONDERRY" Then he said "I need a couple of Volunteers" someone in the audience shout's " There'll be two waiting for you outside mate"

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 19/11/2010 16:13:01    819523

A fella who works in an abattoir got the sack for sticking his you know what in the bacon slicer..................she got the sack as well.

Went to the doctor and said "I think I've broke my arm in 2 places". He said "Well don't go to those places" (C/O Tommy Cooper).

Fella walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. "A pint please barman" he says ".......and one for the road".

Ulsterman (Antrim) - Posts: 9818 - 19/11/2010 17:13:21    819563

A hunter accidentally shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun, several hours later lying in the hospital bed he is approached by his doctor,

"The good news is that you are going to be OK, the bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your p@n*s so I'm going to refer you to my sister".

"Is she a plastic surgeon?" asked the hunter,

"No" says the doctor
"She is a flute player in the Shankill Orange Band, she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pish on your face".

late.down.fan (Down) - Posts: 41 - 19/11/2010 17:46:25    819588

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well.

The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.

She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 01/12/2010 11:40:21    825706

Sepp Blatter was asked after last weeks decision to name his favourite 2 Qatar players.
Apparently he replied Jimmy Hendrix and The Edge.

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 10/12/2010 18:49:52    831042

Why does Santa have 3 Gardens.






so



he can Hoe Hoe Hoe...!!!!

Farney (Monaghan) - Posts: 815 - 10/12/2010 20:55:14    831104

A priest has raised a dispute with e-bay
He claimed a Wii Gameboy he received isn't what he was expecting!!

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 16/12/2010 10:18:18    833742

Whats brown and is a stick?





A stick

Con Cavan (Cavan) - Posts: 894 - 16/12/2010 15:38:58    833975

16/12/2010 15:38:58
Con Cavan
County: Cavan
Posts: 273

833975 Whats brown and is a stick?





A stick
____________________

Dude, you just ruined a perfectly good joke.

It should be "What is brown and sticky"

Answer "A Stick"

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2480 - 16/12/2010 15:46:41    833987

Con Cavan
County: Cavan
Posts: 273

833975 Whats brown and is a stick?





A stick

FAIL

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12376 - 16/12/2010 15:47:54    833989

Con Cavan
County: Cavan
Posts: 273

833975 Whats brown and is a stick?





A stick
----------------
ya made a pigs ear of that mate

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 16/12/2010 15:54:11    833995

16/12/2010 15:38:58
Con Cavan
County: Cavan
Posts: 273

833975 Whats brown and is a stick?





A stick
____________________

Dude, you just ruined a perfectly good joke.

It should be "What is brown and sticky"

Answer "A Stick

________________

I know, I've heard the original version a million times in the last month and decided to play with it. Mines better

Con Cavan (Cavan) - Posts: 894 - 16/12/2010 16:21:11    834013

Con you've let this whole thread down, forshame, how is it better?

What's Fail and is Con, Cavan?






Con, Cavan :)

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12376 - 16/12/2010 16:26:23    834020

Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side?






To get to the other side.

Actually I'm starting to warm to your style!

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12376 - 16/12/2010 16:29:16    834023

Breffni39
County: Cavan
Posts: 4276

834020
Con you've let this whole thread down, forshame, how is it better?

What's Fail and is Con, Cavan?






Con, Cavan :)

_____________

I've let a thread down .. thats a new low for me alright.

Con Cavan (Cavan) - Posts: 894 - 16/12/2010 16:38:39    834036

Where did Saddam hide his armies?

Up his sleevies!

Lebowski (Meath) - Posts: 363 - 16/12/2010 17:34:49    834091