Pope saying mass in Neilstown when he asked for people with special needs to come forward to be prayed for. Anto steps forward and says holy father "can you help me with my hearing". "Certainly my son"replies Benedict, putting his hands over Anto's ears while everyone prayed him. "Has that helped asked Benedict. "I dunno" says Anto, "me hearin's not 'til next tuesday"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 07/10/2010 17:20:47    792077

why don't blind people skydive?
because it scares the hell out of the dog

donaldo (Meath) - Posts: 352 - 07/10/2010 18:43:28    792150

a man went to the zoo and all they had was a dog. it was a shih-tzu!

donaldo (Meath) - Posts: 352 - 07/10/2010 18:46:42    792157

I need help!!!

Does anyone know how to cancel bids on e-bay, I bid 4€ this morning for a Mickey mouse outfit and now I'm an hour away from owning Liverpool!!

thisisouryear (Limerick) - Posts: 84 - 08/10/2010 13:41:25    792663

thats nothing, i rang the gift shop at anfield and said "i have red socks but i was wondering is there anything else there i could buy". i was called in for a meeting tuesday!

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 08/10/2010 14:15:46    792716

What's the difference between an Irish funeral & an Irish wedding? One less drunk.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9785 - 08/10/2010 14:26:44    792734

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much
for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.





Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but
the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Damien (None) - Posts: 64 - 08/10/2010 15:26:48    792790

sorry damien i didn't laugh...

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 08/10/2010 18:01:04    792925

This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".

The duck asks "Do you have any grapes"?

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 08/10/2010 18:07:21    792929

Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 08/10/2010 18:20:03    792940

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
"Forget it man, you don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 08/10/2010 18:23:13    792945

What has 100 legs and No teeth ? the front row of a Cliff Richard Concert . Happy "70th birthday Cliff"

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 14/10/2010 11:28:43    796312

The 1st task for the Chilean mines is visit Anfield to advise Roy Hodgson on how to get Liverpool out of a bloody big hole before Christmas .

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 14/10/2010 11:31:29    796318

i thought that was just the Chilean version of Big Brother!

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 14/10/2010 15:23:57    796572

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "Mayo won the All-Ireland! Mayo won the All-Ireland!"

throw_it_over (Galway) - Posts: 769 - 14/10/2010 20:29:27    796894

Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide ? He saw his Gas bill.

LesBleus (UK) - Posts: 102 - 14/10/2010 20:37:13    796905

Poor lad here at work, his wife left him last week, she went out to get a bottle of Milk and never came back. Asked him this morning how he's getting on, he said grand, he's been using the Powdered stuff..........

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12372 - 21/10/2010 16:22:05    801220

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

throw_it_over (Galway) - Posts: 769 - 25/10/2010 19:05:52    803289

BettystownRoyal
County: Meath
Posts: 602

792925 sorry damien i didn't laugh...

I did, I thought it was hucking filarious.

chainsaw (Laois) - Posts: 712 - 28/10/2010 15:46:32    805074

LesBleus
County: UK
Posts: 82

796905 Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide ? He saw his Gas bill.

A gas man to give him his due.

chainsaw (Laois) - Posts: 712 - 28/10/2010 15:47:26    805075