A man opened a bar on the moon, but had to close after only two weeks.......................... No Atmosphere

snowchance10 (USA) - Posts: 149 - 22/07/2010 19:01:03    719821

A man went to the doctor and putting his finger on many different parts of his body tells the doctor " I have a pain here and a pain here and here, here , here " etc. The doctor says " I know whats wrong with you, you have a broken finger " !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 23/07/2010 12:40:24    720364

Two cows in a field. One says to the other 'MOO'. The other replies 'Jaysus I was just about to say that'......

ConnollyDub (Dublin) - Posts: 2007 - 23/07/2010 13:12:26    720426

Why did mary fall off her bike?

Someone threw a fridge at her!

ConnollyDub (Dublin) - Posts: 2007 - 23/07/2010 13:21:23    720448

what do a pregnant cow and monagahn have in common....


There both near cavan

sam1996 (Meath) - Posts: 436 - 23/07/2010 13:35:30    720473

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

Ck0_3000 (Longford) - Posts: 41 - 23/07/2010 14:00:19    720519

I asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas.. She said 'something with lots of diamonds' so I got her a deck of cards...

mayoboy1 (Mayo) - Posts: 1654 - 23/07/2010 15:07:49    720616

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at *** than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 23/07/2010 17:41:12    720845

Q: What happens if you download the Princess Diana screensaver application?
A: Your iphone will keep crashing!

sam2008 (Tyrone) - Posts: 799 - 23/07/2010 18:02:02    720864

dhorse you are comfortably the corniest joke teller I have ever come across! You do do a mean accent though.

gaelantrim (Antrim) - Posts: 1616 - 23/07/2010 18:04:33    720869

People call me Mr Compromise.

Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.

happydude (Meath) - Posts: 234 - 23/07/2010 18:04:39    720870

SON AND MUM

Son:"Mum,when i was on the bus with Dad this morning,he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mum:"Well,you have done the right thing so.
Son:"But Mum,I was sitting on daddys lap."

long_ball_in (Meath) - Posts: 39 - 23/07/2010 18:59:16    720917

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied,"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that i found in your pants pocket,explain yourself.".
The man says"When i was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse i bet on."
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching tv when his wife bashas him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she hit him again.
The wife replied ,"Your horse just phoned"

long_ball_in (Meath) - Posts: 39 - 23/07/2010 19:17:12    720929

gaelantrim
County: Antrim
Posts: 801

720869 dhorse you are comfortably the corniest joke teller I have ever come across! You do do a mean accent though.


Less of your norn compliments sir... takes a lot of editing to get anything thru.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 23/07/2010 21:34:52    721042

Fr. Sugrue, a Kerryman fresh out of the Seminary, was asked to stand in for the Parish Priest of a small Cork rural town for a few months.He gladly accepted the challenge and was keen to start.A couple of weeks passed in his new post and things were going great.He was getting on with the locals and he was attending to his Parochial duties with great enthusiasm.
On the Friday evening of the 4th week he recieved a call from one of the locals informing him that there was a donkey lying polaxed in the middle of the road outside the Post Office." What "said Fr. Sugrue in disbelief . Not knowing if this was a wind up or not he decided he had better check it out.Off with him down Main St. and sure enough there was the donkey lying on the road...dead as a door nail." What happened him?" he asked one of the locals." Haven't a clue " was the reply he got. " What will we do with the donkey " the Priest was asked. "I'll have to ring the Garda station and inform the boys in blue ".
Fr. Sugrue rang the station and got a prompt response from Garda Murphy, a young man born and reared in Cork.
"Garda Murphy this is Fr. Sugrue, Sorry for bothering you but there's a dead donkey on the Main St. outside the P.O."
"A dead donkey, Is that right Father " said the young Garda intending to have a bit of fun.
"Yes a dead donkey in the middle of the street..what are you going to do about it"
"A dead donkey you say and is this 4 legs up in the air dead Father"
" The donkey is as dead as he can be " Fr. Sugrue informed the Garda.
" And tell me Father did you administer The Last Rites to the poor donkey" asked the Garda.
" No " said Fr. Sugrue " Our policy is to inform the next of kin first "

derrymore (Kerry) - Posts: 180 - 25/07/2010 12:38:28    721971

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim
librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over
the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 26/07/2010 17:08:58    724207

A professor at the Letterkenny University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh dung, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 30/07/2010 15:28:28    729705

why did the skelton run up the tree? ...the dog was after his bones..

what wobbles in the air? ... a jellycopter!

thank u im here all evening.

P.Mus (Cavan) - Posts: 386 - 30/07/2010 15:46:28    729737

To those Gaels not au fait with the Ballymena accent, it has a wee bit of a Scottish lilt to it!

Two Ballymena men in a maternity ward, one says to the other "so what did yea have?". The other replies with much excitement "a wee boy!".
The other then asks "So what are yeas going to call him?" to which the proud father replies "Nathan". Looking puzzled the other man says "Nathan! Christ man yea havtee call him somethin! "

Red_Rumbled (Tyrone) - Posts: 67 - 30/07/2010 16:07:39    729776

sam2008
County: Tyrone
Posts: 539

720864 Q: What happens if you download the Princess Diana screensaver application?
A: Your iphone will keep crashing!


CLASSY!!

Ck0_3000 (Longford) - Posts: 41 - 30/07/2010 16:14:27    729788