A little boy is sitting watching TV when a repeat of Father Ted comes on. He sits and watches for a while before turning to his father and asking: 'Is it true that Father Ted is dead'
The father replies: 'Unfortunately that is true son, he died after soon after recording the third season, thats over 10 years now.
The son says: 'Is he in heaven now?'
The father replies: 'Course he is, He wasn't a real priest....'

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2484 - 27/04/2010 10:56:37    630722

Mick and Pat find a bag containing 3 hand grenades behind a hedge. Mick says to Pat "What will we do with them?" Pat says "We will take them to the Guards Barracks and hand them in, here you take one and i'll carry the other one". On the way Mick asks Pat "What will we do if one of them explodes?" Pat replies "We will tell the Guards that we only found two".

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 11/05/2010 15:40:44    643818

Slasher I have to say that is comfortably the worst , most unfunny excuse for a joke that I have ever had the misfortune to read. The total wickness of it did make me laugh though.

gaelantrim (Antrim) - Posts: 1616 - 11/05/2010 17:40:11    644004

Two dyslexics sitting in a field... One of them says "Do you smell gas??"
The other replies " GAS!!!! I can barley smell my own name!!!

gaaman0852 (Mayo) - Posts: 23 - 11/05/2010 18:44:11    644096

How do you brainwash a Dublin supporter into thinking that there going to win the All Ireland in 2010? Sit them on a Beday

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 13/05/2010 17:24:52    646299

I like the adverts for games consoles; everyone is always so happy.
But for once I'd like a realistic advert. I propose an advert containing an overweight man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a cheating ****

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 17/05/2010 16:48:50    649962

have people forgotten about this thread.or are there no more jokes

pidge (Cork) - Posts: 543 - 09/07/2010 16:24:33    701780

The Dublin Full Back line?



( I know we're playing Cork tomorrow Night)

ochonlir (Cavan) - Posts: 4343 - 09/07/2010 16:33:47    701804

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two, seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, ... ..why not?'

You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

No, no, the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah ! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence..

I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

Jews sink Titanic says the co-pilot.'

What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!'exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah...all same ! ! !



--

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/07/2010 17:02:09    701853

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store
and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede,

(100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new

pet to the bar for a drink.



So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me

and have a beer?'



But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes

and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'



But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.



He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?







A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time ! I'm putting on my puffin shoes!'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/07/2010 17:08:40    701861

Garda and Nurse...

Garda Dave wakes up after a night on the beer and rolls over to find a
girl in the bed with him - he has a vague memory of drunken sex so is a
bit chuffed with himself but his shift starts in a short while so he
crawls out and heads towards the shower graciously grunting to the
semi-conscious conquest that he'll drop her home on his way to work and
she accepts in a similarly coherent fashion.


As they're driving down the road she gives him directions by pointing at
the relevant turns as they approach them - Dave is happy with this as he
is still not fully with it after a while they're driving past a halting
site when she mumbles 'Pull in here'. Dave's a bit surprised but thinks
maybe she's even more ropey than him and needs to hurl so pulls in she
gets out, thanks him for lift and says she'll call him soon.


Dave's getting a bit worried now as there's nothing for a couple of
miles in any direction except the nearby caravans but decides to try and
be a bit tactful........


'I thought you said you were a nurse..?'

She turns, looks at him bleary eye to bleary eye and replies;


'No - I said I was a Ward sister'

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 09/07/2010 18:16:03    701958

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
Led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
Back to earth and be anyone you wish to be


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"


And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."


St.. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask


"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.


St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
Ring a bell."


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.


St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
Says.


"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 19/07/2010 13:59:22    714443

good joke dhorse keep them coming!

thurlesblues (Tipperary) - Posts: 4475 - 19/07/2010 14:18:44    714493

19/07/2010 13:59:22
dhorse
County: Laois
Posts: 5521

___________
The dead arose and appeared to many -
Did you get lost on one of those hill walks or was there an avalanche in Annecy ?

Omar.d (Cavan) - Posts: 1141 - 19/07/2010 14:26:53    714525

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"

The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."

The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"

The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."

The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."



Nun Decorators
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"



Pregnant Nun
Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.

While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups


Hot Dog !!
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

analysis (Kildare) - Posts: 22 - 19/07/2010 15:23:58    714664

Dear Walkers Crisps,

Your crisps are really tasty. When will you be making a full bag?

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 21/07/2010 12:34:33    717370

My girlfriend, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 21/07/2010 12:35:16    717373

An American tourist in Dublin decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences - no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a gaurd, who says, " sir, you simply cant do that here"

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the gaurd "Just follow me." He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the gaurd. "Whiz away... anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.

Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the gaurd's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the gaurd, "That was really decent of you - is that "Irish Hospitality?"

"No," replied the gaurd, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."

Ck0_3000 (Longford) - Posts: 41 - 22/07/2010 16:11:10    719537

Q: What's the difference between Stephen Cluxton (Dub keeper) and a Dub taxi driver?
A: The taxi driver will only let in 4 !¬

Boom-Boom!

RoyalSt.Pat (Meath) - Posts: 333 - 22/07/2010 16:36:02    719586

what time is it? 5 past cluxton.

donaldo (Meath) - Posts: 352 - 22/07/2010 16:44:31    719612