They don't like the Flintstones in Dubai
But Abu Dhabi do

chainsaw (Laois) - Posts: 712 - 12/02/2010 15:45:15    559716

Booked a table for Vaentines night for me and the missus....I can see it ending in tears....She's f----n hopeless at snooker!

Frances56 (Dublin) - Posts: 378 - 12/02/2010 18:33:07    559904

If men aren't smarter than women, then why do they have gender specific world championships in chess?

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 20/02/2010 11:10:33    567698

Did anyone hear the music in the background when Tiger Woods was giving his apology yesterday evening for his bad behaviour?? I'm sure it went something like this...........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBQbbyT_NGM

galwayfan (None) - Posts: 764 - 20/02/2010 12:24:34    567737

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 26/02/2010 17:11:27    574277

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the
symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy Hure and Marge is a skinny bird with
big blue hair."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 26/02/2010 17:26:58    574297

Ulster dyslexics say ,'On' !

gaelantrim (Antrim) - Posts: 1616 - 26/02/2010 17:27:43    574298

Ulster dyslexics say ,'On' !



--------




Quality stuff :-D

waynoI (Dublin) - Posts: 13656 - 26/02/2010 17:34:42    574309

The Dyslexics Associations protest march to the Dail ended in chaos when most of them arrived at Aldi !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 26/02/2010 18:47:54    574402

Ya heard about that march. It was actually organised by the National Dyslexic association known as the DNA

Dr.Shephard (Leitrim) - Posts: 2187 - 26/02/2010 18:51:34    574406

Three Galway brothers Tom, Dick and Harry have moved over to find work in London.

They are from the Clancy clan (renowned for the size of their feet)

After a hard weeks labouring Tom and Harry head down to the local for a few pints. Dick was feeling a little tired so he told them to head on without him.

The two lads head off hoping to meet a few birds.

lo and behold the lads bump into two local girls who seem up for it. The two lads think they are in, and ask the two girls up for a dance. Disaster strikes as the two lads trod all over the girl's feet.

Back at the bar and nursing her bruised foot Tracey asked Tom " How comes you got such big feet "? Tom turns around and say's

" You think thats bad, you want to see the size of our Dick's "

neverafree (Down) - Posts: 456 - 26/02/2010 20:19:23    574505

Man come into bar and shout at bar man, a pint of Guinness there donkey, no problem says barman and fills it and hands it to him, other man sitting at bar watches with interest but says nothing.
After some time same man come up to bar again and call out to barman a pint of Guinness please donkey,barman hands him his pint and man returns to his seat.
Man watching call barman and asks him why man call him donkey.
A don't mind him says barman "hee haw hee haw he...halways calls me that.

chainsaw (Laois) - Posts: 712 - 05/03/2010 16:13:54    580155

05/03/2010 16:13:54
chainsaw
County: Laois
Posts: 571

580155 Man come into bar and shout at bar man, a pint of Guinness there donkey, no problem says barman and fills it and hands it to him, other man sitting at bar watches with interest but says nothing.
After some time same man come up to bar again and call out to barman a pint of Guinness please donkey,barman hands him his pint and man returns to his seat.
Man watching call barman and asks him why man call him donkey.
A don't mind him says barman "hee haw hee haw he...halways calls me that.




I take it your a Billy Connolly fan

Dr.Shephard (Leitrim) - Posts: 2187 - 05/03/2010 17:31:22    580238

What causes arthritis?

A drunk sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping rough & lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 14/03/2010 20:59:13    587964

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.


"Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earth. Can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty browned off, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf. Can I see her twat?"

Totally Peed off at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up spluttering and coughing.

"Perhaps I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 16/03/2010 17:53:21    589946

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to
convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent
them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there
is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my
finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The
rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also
right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God
absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to
remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could
not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had
three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he
tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told
him that we were staying right here.

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 22/03/2010 19:41:43    595496

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..



Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.





Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.



By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.



Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.



He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.



The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 01/04/2010 11:46:13    606181

David Blaine is reportedly gutted that his record of spending 42days doing **** all in a box has been broken by dimitar berbatov.

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 16/04/2010 11:39:02    619199

What's the difference between Poland and a pencil case? A pencil case has a ruler.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 10019 - 16/04/2010 12:12:10    619280

dhorse from laois has to be the best on this, his jokes are magic. any more lads??

a mexican, a jew and a coloured man walk into a bar.
the barman says, get the f*ck out of my bar!!!!

1nightstand (Leitrim) - Posts: 77 - 25/04/2010 21:54:27    629125