A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being,
asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone
call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day...
we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it and
I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
"If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her, and asks,
"Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister,
and she said that HER mom died too!"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 19/12/2009 22:30:49    518710

Peter robinson was admitted to the eye and ear hospital today complaining of a runny eye, doctors found something stuck in his iris

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 08/01/2010 18:48:00    528354

ohhh terrible :L

IB
xxx

inniskeenbull (Monaghan) - Posts: 682 - 08/01/2010 18:54:29    528364

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching Telly all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the shinty. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my B*****!"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/01/2010 20:20:48    529060

dhorse, you're spending too long reading the "Irelands Own" !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 10/01/2010 10:38:46    529176

Im a very slow reader

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 10/01/2010 17:02:41    529406

Two old widows, Annie and Bridie where down the street doing the grocery shopping. Annie stopped outside the green grocers and picked up a huge great carrot. 'Ah ' she says 'that reminds me of my poor aul seamus, God rest his soul'. ' What ' says Bridie ' was it the size of it '? ' No ' says Annie ' it was the dirt of it' .

neverafree (Down) - Posts: 456 - 10/01/2010 19:09:25    529492

neverafree
County: Down
Posts: 16
TYRONE VERSION......

UR KILLING ME ! UR KILLING ME !
IT`S NOT THE SIZE OF IT,
IT`S THE SMELL OF IT.

65mwtha36r47 (Tyrone) - Posts: 22 - 10/01/2010 20:18:19    529548

Man comes into bar with a parrot on his shoulder barman tell him we don't serve pigs in here man replies that's not a pig that's a parrot barman replies I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the parrot.

chainsaw (Laois) - Posts: 712 - 11/01/2010 10:16:48    529688

NEWSFLASH!!..................Iris Robinson has been rushed to hospital where she is anxiously awaiting the birth of her new boyfriend!!

dubupnorth (Dublin) - Posts: 1897 - 14/01/2010 09:43:13    532512

What do you call a women with an opinion?????


Wrong

pidge (Cork) - Posts: 543 - 15/01/2010 18:00:06    534178

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing

about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker
claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck
a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently
used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence
that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without
breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the
Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican
woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to
peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:

Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, "your pecker gets
harder when you're away from home."



--

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 26/01/2010 13:44:15    542814

roberto manchini says he wants to bring a new face into manchester city before the end of january

apperently both Lescott and Tevez are fighting over it.....

ohnohedidnt..............

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 29/01/2010 14:37:13    546042

Irishman urinated on French bread in protest at Henry handball, court told

(ROSCOMMON, IRELAND) A drunken unemployed plasterer who was found urinating on the French loaves section of a large supermarket in protest at the infamous handball incident in the France vs Ireland World Cup qualifier, was this week given a suspended sentence, fined and bound over to keep the peace.

Frances "Smokie" Larkin, The Meadows, Killareagh, Co Roscommon pleaded guilty to the incident at Maher's ValueStore supermarket, Killareagh, one week after the match which Ireland controversially drew after the French goal was deemed to have scored despite a blatant handball by French striker Thierry Henry.

Staff found the 46-year-old urinating on the Cuisine de France section of the bread shelves in Maher's, shouting "this will teach ye, ye cheating French b*****dddds," before he was taken away by local gardai.

Gardai Anthony Flanagan told the court that he had been called to the store at 11.15 on the morning of November 25.

"When I reached the shop, I was informed that Mr Larkin was causing a disturbance in the bread section and when I got there, he was urinating on the French bread section and stamping on a loaf. I later ascertained that the loaves were brioches, a sort of French bread.

"When he saw me, he tried to run away but I apprehended him and grabbed him by the arm. He said 'that's for Thierry Henry, guard. If you have any pride in your country, you'll let me go.

"Then he said 'that'll teach them, the cheating French b*****dddds.'"

Addressing the court, Angela Roche, solicitor for the defendant said that her client had a problem with drink and that normally he was a placid character.

"It is when he mixes alcohol with his passion for sport that he gets himself into situations like this," she said.

She said that Mr Larkin had become quite agitated with the result of the World Cup match and had worn an "I shot Thierry Henry" t-shirt that he had made up in a local t-shirt shop," she said.

In evidence, Mr Larkin apologised to Mahers store and said that he "had no axe to grind with them," but that they had been caught up in what he said was "friendly fire."

He said that he wanted to make a grand gesture to show that the Irish were not going to take the controversial incident lying down.

"The French loaf is the symbol of France and so by doing what I did, I was standing up for Irish pride," he said.

Mr Larkin had a previous conviction for setting fire to a tennis club shed in his teens, an incident from which he had earned the nickname Smokie.

In his summary, Judge Fergus O'Halloran said that what Mr Larkin had done was despicable and was also a threat to public hygiene.

"You did this without any thought to the consquences for the unfortunate shoppers who had to buy that bread.

"If it was in my power to recommend that you seek help for your alcohol addiction, I would do so and also suggest that you take some responsibility for your temper and inappropriate behaviour.

"We cannot have louts like yourself with half-baked ideas about national pride carrying out acts like this," he said, before sentencing Larkin to six months in jail, suspended on condition he does not breach the peace for one year, fining €500 and ordering him to pay €1,000 to Michael Maher for the clean up of the bread shelf areas.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 29/01/2010 16:21:59    546174

dhorse - i wonder are we in the same e-mail group.....!

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 29/01/2010 16:39:34    546199

That's first class dhorse. Gotta love the guy.

gaelantrim (Antrim) - Posts: 1616 - 29/01/2010 16:54:16    546227

"The French loaf is the symbol of France and so by doing what I did, I was standing up for Irish pride," he said.

______________

Bread wars ???

ruanua (Donegal) - Posts: 4966 - 29/01/2010 17:07:57    546258

Exactly what I thought Rua!! A nice bit of subliminal advertising there!

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12490 - 29/01/2010 17:15:30    546273

Rhodejim
County: Offaly
Posts: 1533

546199 dhorse - i wonder are we in the same e-mail group.....!

i'd say we might even be in the same blood group

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 29/01/2010 17:22:53    546286

County: Donegal
Posts: 2713

546258 "The French loaf is the symbol of France and so by doing what I did, I was standing up for Irish pride," he said.

______________

Bread wars ???

I hope the french dont retaliate on our lamb/mutton in the rungis

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 29/01/2010 17:29:56    546299