A man fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagrado for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but
it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/09/2009 22:40:09    421242

Clare

miketyson (Limerick) - Posts: 2748 - 10/09/2009 03:18:05    421439

haha mike! Thats a brilliant one. where do you think of them?

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 10/09/2009 10:15:07    421575

miketyson
County: Limerick
Posts: 491

421439 Clare

and you were wondering was humour allowed

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 10/09/2009 22:21:44    422572

dhorse, i have to say that one re the blind lads on de golf course had me in tears laughin...so very very irish!!

banner_boy (Clare) - Posts: 1285 - 10/09/2009 22:47:55    422611

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him
in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty
and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w#nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind
a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around
in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

ConnollyDub (Dublin) - Posts: 2007 - 11/09/2009 13:45:23    423090

Whats Pink and hard ???

A pig with a hoody

ruanua (Donegal) - Posts: 4966 - 11/09/2009 13:49:50    423096

Why did the Chicken cross the road ??
Because the Russians had bombed his house

ruanua (Donegal) - Posts: 4966 - 11/09/2009 13:53:33    423103

Sorry Chechen not chicken

ruanua (Donegal) - Posts: 4966 - 11/09/2009 15:24:39    423269

Mock the Week last night: unlikely things you'd hear on a breakfast show.

"Good morning sh!t monkeys welcome to Tourrettes FM"

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 10168 - 11/09/2009 15:29:52    423274

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for
Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next
Wednesday!"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 06/10/2009 12:19:11    446166

An underground train in london is overcrowded and four people are standing very close together; a beautiful looking blonde in a mini-skirt, a large woman who fell off the ugly tree, an irish labourer and a posh english git. The lights go out in the train and there is a large crack. When they come back on the english man is holding his face.
Beautiful Woman: That english man must have tried to pinch my ass, pinched the ugly womans ass instead and she smacked him, good for her.
Ugly Woman: That English must have pinched that beautiful womans ass and she smacked him, good for her.
English Man: The irish guy must have pinched the blonde womans ass, she thought it was me and smacked me one on the jaw.
Irish Man: I hope the lights go out again so I can deck him properly

only_way_is_up (Galway) - Posts: 99 - 06/10/2009 12:37:26    446195

A man and his wife on holiday in Jamaica walked passed a man selling magic *** sandals. The Jamaican says"dese magic sandals make ya a *** god mon! "The wife is intrigued and convinced her husband to try some on. As soon as he puts them on he instantly grabs the Jamaican and bends him over, the Jamaican screams "no mon dey is on da wrong feet."

Mulligan Eamonn (None) - Posts: 896 - 06/10/2009 15:05:54    446342

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
10) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
11) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
12) You know that look women get when they want ***? No, me neither
13) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
14) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
15) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

ConnollyDub (Dublin) - Posts: 2007 - 08/10/2009 15:20:02    448689

ConnollyDub aka jimmy carr

fuppin (Tyrone) - Posts: 567 - 08/10/2009 15:27:24    448703

Jimmy Carr is a twat. I CANT STAND HIM!!!

Rio Bingo (Tyrone) - Posts: 788 - 08/10/2009 16:19:51    448774

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed! 'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.' 'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?' 'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos' 'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up'? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 08/10/2009 17:01:20    448812

Saw a man in a Cork GAA jersy drowning and immeadeatly notified the emergency services. I hope they saved him, an awful waste of a stamp if they didn't

only_way_is_up (Galway) - Posts: 99 - 09/10/2009 14:02:37    449607

a professor at Glasgow University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

"Do you know what you're ***hole is doing while you're having an 0rgasm?".

The woman replied,

"He's at Ibrox watching Rangers".

ruanua (Donegal) - Posts: 4966 - 09/10/2009 15:57:28    449758

Two old ladss, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be gone hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff except me."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 11/10/2009 22:44:18    451423