Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 09/03/2009 11:22:23    227751

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 09/03/2009 11:22:41    227753

There's been a power cut in Dublin's largest department store today ..... Some customers have been stuck on the escalators for over 3 hours!!!!!!!!!!

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 09/03/2009 11:28:01    227761

My cousin Steve has Tourette's. I don't see him and his family very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday.

Steve and I were sitting waiting for my aunt to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said, "open the door, you ****."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again, "open the ****** door, you stupid ****."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond, so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up, "you useless ****, open the ******* door."

At which point, to my relief, my aunt came into the room and said, "don't worry, dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock-knock joke."

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 09/03/2009 11:41:52    227781

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 09/03/2009 11:54:37    227812

paddy irish man, scot man and english man are on a one wish slide in heaven....the rules are, once you sit on the top of the slide before you slide off you say what you want to land in when you get of the slide......scot man goes and shouts WHISKEY..he lands in a pool of whiskey, english man shouts BEER...lands in a pool of beer......


paddys turn....he steps up to the slide and slips...he shouts at the top of his voice ****....you get the picture!! ;)

**********************

paddy irish man, scot man and paddy fat man are in a plane doing a freefall! irish man jumps and shouts GOD SAVE EIRE!! scot man jumps shouts GOD SAVE SCOTLAND!! paddy fat man jumps and shouts GOD HELP THE PERSON I LAND ON!!

titasikram (Tyrone) - Posts: 117 - 09/03/2009 11:58:22    227818

Joan,

I was going for the Tolkeinesque spelling (dwarves as opposed to dwars), which I am sure you are aware (being a university lecturer) has been accepted as an alternative spelling and is included in the Oxford English Dictionary.

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 09/03/2009 14:20:31    227986

missing an "f" there. oops

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 09/03/2009 15:28:23    228068

joan_balantine
County: UK
Posts: 243

227812 Statistically(, )6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/03/2009 20:18:45    228404

A blonde orders a pizza and the attendant asks her if she wants it cut in 6 slices or 12 slices. She answers " 6 please, i would never eat 12" !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 09/03/2009 20:55:54    228451

dhorse
County: Laois
Posts: 1355

228404 joan_balantine
County: UK
Posts: 243

227812 Statistically(, )6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

mouldybags (Cork) - Posts: 108 - 09/03/2009 22:19:39    228535

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not grumpy, so they must be happy !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 09/03/2009 23:22:55    228599

Man walks into a toy shop to get a present for his daughter. After looking around awhile, he's narrowed it down to a choice between two barbie dolls. One priced at E40 and the other at E80. He asks the shop assistant to explain the huge price disparity.
"Thats easy" she replies, "the first one is malibu barbie and comes with all the accessories, the other is divorced barbie and has the same accessories"
"So why is it twice the price ?" he asks.
"She also comes with Kens house, Kens car, Kens horse...................

mouldybags (Cork) - Posts: 108 - 10/03/2009 01:15:39    228671

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the ******* ship?"

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2484 - 10/03/2009 09:50:52    228739

At an auction in Dublin a wealthy American stood and announced that he had lost his wallet containing E10,000 and would give a reward of E100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall Cavan voice piped up, "I'll give E150!"

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 10/03/2009 10:02:19    228776

Four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

'WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?'

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: 'I've come for some courage.'

'NO PROBLEM!' says the Wizard. 'WHO IS NEXT?'

Ronald Reagan steps forward, 'Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.'

'DONE' says the Wizard.

'WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?'

Up steps George Bush sadly, 'I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.'

'I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!' says the Wizard. 'CONSIDER IT DONE.'

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
'WHAT DO YOU WANT?'

'Is Dorothy here?'

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 10/03/2009 10:09:15    228796

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2484 - 10/03/2009 10:12:23    228801

Got a tip for the 3.20 at Cheltenham. Cresote. Slow, but goes over fences well.

donegal_insider (Donegal) - Posts: 584 - 10/03/2009 13:11:07    228965

mouldybags
County: Cork
Posts: 90

228535 dhorse
County: Laois
Posts: 1355

228404 joan_balantine
County: UK
Posts: 243

227812 Statistically(, )6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

just pointing out a chink in J.B.'s perfection, the missing Comma

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 10/03/2009 20:20:00    229412

dhorse
County: Laois
Posts: 1369

229412 mouldybags
County: Cork
Posts: 90

228535 dhorse
County: Laois
Posts: 1355

228404 joan_balantine
County: UK
Posts: 243

227812 Statistically(, )6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

just pointing out a chink in J.B.'s perfection, the missing Comma

I got that dhorse. I was just adding the upper case H for happy.
Very good though

mouldybags (Cork) - Posts: 108 - 10/03/2009 20:43:05    229441