What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? "Stand back", i dont known how big this thing gets!

hardcore (Monaghan) - Posts: 1366 - 13/08/2010 19:43:09    745727

Carlsberg dont do Hurling teams, but if they did...... Kilkenny would probably hammer them.

Derry_ledd (Derry) - Posts: 2093 - 17/08/2010 15:50:39    748327

Carlsberg dont do Hurling teams, but if they did...... Kilkenny would probably hammer them.
Derry_ledd , 17/08/2010 at 15:50

you are right there,the only problem is that after that game they would have to face Tipp!!

thurlesblues (Tipperary) - Posts: 4475 - 17/08/2010 15:56:20    748340

My wife said she is getting fed up of me jumping to ridiculous conclusions.

Which is why she will probably leave me and run off with a milkman.

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 17/08/2010 16:19:21    748404

if thats the reason she is running off on you she wont be going with thurlesblouse

mooncat (Kilkenny) - Posts: 541 - 17/08/2010 16:43:21    748455

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:



Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son,
Nasser



Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Your Dad

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 19/08/2010 21:36:17    751058

An earthquake struck the far corner of Fairyland where the seven dwarves were dwelling and reduced their cottage to rubble. Snow White being the caring and compassionate young lady that she was immediately rushed home through the forest which had escaped the worst ravages of the tremors. On arriving at her destination she witnessed a scene of utter devestation. Naturally her primary concern was for the survival of her closest friends so she started to delve through the remains of the cottage with her bare hands. After a quarter of an hour she hears groaning and this gives her renewed hope. "Say something-anything," she pleads in the hope of locating the source. "Tipperary fo the All-Ireland!" immediately booms out. "Oh thank God," gasps Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive!"

naglfar95 (Kilkenny) - Posts: 24 - 20/08/2010 10:07:26    751174

I'm a journalist for the Meath Chronicle and I was walking through Navan when I saw a rottweiler charge across the road right in front of me and start attacking a couple of young kids playing football. I was rooted to the spot, terrified of the gnashing teeth and savage aggression of the devilish hound. When from nowhere a man sprinted into the fray and wrestled with the dog, holding onto it's gaping jars and saliva soaked teeth inches from the kids. He fetched a hurling stick and battered into the frenzied animal until at last the dog lay still and died. He had saved the children. He had saved the day.

I ran up to him and told him I wanted to write a story about him. How does 'Local man is a hero' or 'Local man saves children from devil dog' sound, I asked him?
'Grand' he says, 'But I'm actually from Dublin'.

The headline in the paper the next day read:

'Dublin scumbag murders family pet'.

Wests_Awake (Galway) - Posts: 877 - 20/08/2010 10:53:26    751227

The Bush administration once tried using Chuck Norris' stare as a means for interrogation. Due to the inhumane treatment, they now use waterboarding.

Corrxxx (Kerry) - Posts: 584 - 20/08/2010 11:53:36    751294

Three Kerry men were walking in a desolate field somewhere near nowhere. Suddenly one of them spots a long line of tracks.

"Hmmmm" wondered one of the Kerry men "I wonder what animal made those tracks"

"I think it was a wild boar" mused the second Kerry man.

"Or a fox" said the first one again.

"Hang on a sec" said the third, quieter Kerry man as he walked onto the tracks "Could it be a....BANG!!!!....

And that was the end of the poor third Kerry man because its never a good idea to play on train tracks.

shnappy (Wexford) - Posts: 220 - 20/08/2010 12:17:04    751334

wests_awake


Priceless!!!

dammon (Meath) - Posts: 1291 - 20/08/2010 12:29:39    751355

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says yes I know who you are. Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

sam2008 (Tyrone) - Posts: 799 - 20/08/2010 12:33:30    751360

A Galway man, a Mayo man and a Nigerian man were all waiting nervously outside the maternity ward for their wives to give birth.

Eventually the midwife came into the waiting room and said: "Congratulations lads, you are all proud fathers of strong healthy sons. However, there's a wee bit of a problem. The children were all born at the exact same time and there was a bit of a mix up when we were putting them into the cots, so we're not sure which baby belongs to which family! Could I ask you to each come into the post natal ward and have a look at the babies and pick out some redeeming features or family likeness please?"

The Galway man volunteers to go in first, leaving the Mayo man and the Nigerian clapping each other on the back, shaking hands and offering hearty congratulations to each other.

After about an hour the Galway man finally comes back into the waiting room with a little black baby in his arms. "Lads, I want to introduce ye to me son."

The Nigerian is baffled and says to the midwife that surely the Galway man has made a mistake. The midwife looked at him sympathetically and said: "There was very little between the two Irish babies so he opted for the black baby rather than risk choosing the Mayo one."

Wests_Awake (Galway) - Posts: 877 - 20/08/2010 13:52:14    751465

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake

analysis (Kildare) - Posts: 22 - 20/08/2010 14:18:55    751516

Jesus said "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal salvation!"

Joseph came 5th and won a toaster!

KKInDub (Kilkenny) - Posts: 39 - 20/08/2010 14:27:49    751528

A Cavan family are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father and son are in the hotel lobby when the spot the lift.

"What's that da?" The boy asked.

"Sure I've never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the lift. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Ma!"

sam2008 (Tyrone) - Posts: 799 - 20/08/2010 16:02:12    751641

Jesus and St Peter were lamenting the fact that everyone down on Earth was acting the maggot and when they died most were going straight to hell. God had been on their case warning them that if things didn't improve that he'd have to send the two boys back down to Earth again to improve the state of morals.

So Jesus and Peter, naturally living the good life up in heaven decide to allow the odd dodgy character in with the proviso that they mention nothing of their past to God.

It wasn't long before the first lad landed up, so Jesus and Peter ask him the craic, why was he there?
The fella goes: "Well I used to live in a 10th story apartment and I always suspected my wife was having an affair. So I came home at lunchtime unexpectedly today to catch her out. There she was butt naked when I came in the door. So I start ranting and raving, manically searching for the scum cheating with my wife. I couldn't find him so I went out onto the veranda for some air, my heart was going 90. Next thing I see this set of fingers clinging on to the ledge. So I think, this is the ba$tard here. I stamped on his fingers and he fell the 10 stories but the jammy git landed on a pile of bushes and survived. I was so incensed that I went in and unplugged our huge fridge, took it out to the veranda and horsed it down on top of the buck below. With all the stress I had a heart attack and that's all I remember really. Here I am.

Jesus and Peter decide it's a crime of passion and let him in.

A few minutes later another lad lands up, same question to him.
The lad explains that he lived on an 11th story apartment and how he used to come home every lunchtime to do some aerobics on his veranda to keep in shape. He overdid it and fell over the ledge but luckily grabbed the ledge below. Next thing he knows there's this mad man stamping on his fingers accusing him of sleeping with his wife. He goes, I fell the whole way down thinking that's me done for. But thanks be to God I landed on some bushes and survived. I'm about to get up and walk away when all of a sudden this huge fridge crashes down on top of me and that's all I remember!

So Jesus and Peter are kinda laughing and they say, On ya go mate, no bother.

A minute or so later this other lad lands up and again, he is asked the same question.

The boy goes, "Lads - ya know I wouldn't BS yez cos of who yez are. But I was just hiding naked in a big fridge and the next thing......."

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9967 - 20/08/2010 16:36:28    751672

things you dont want to hear in hospital- so just checking your notes her eh you're MRS.A oh im sorry you've got MRSA

mcgrath90 (Kildare) - Posts: 60 - 20/08/2010 18:11:28    751764

More a funny story than a joke but anyway.

Joe Brolly told this one. He was a spectator at a club in match in Derry. The game was finely poised, all equal with only a few minutes left. Seamus Downey went on a long mazy run and from a very acute angle split the posts to score the winning point(or so he thought) the umpire waved the white flag but unbelievably the ref overruled him and dissallowed the point and then blew the full time whistle for a draw.

After the game an irate Seamus Downey confronted the ref about the dissallowed point;

' Jeez Oweney (the ref) how the hell could you dissallow that point it was as clear as day, we won that match '

Oweney ;

' Just you read the Irish news tomorrow and see who won the match '

neverafree (Down) - Posts: 456 - 22/08/2010 11:24:53    752617

After a heavy night on the sauce, a drunk stumbles into a Chapel and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit... still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the drunk yells out... "Ain't no use knocking, there ain't no paper over here either!"

Derry_ledd (Derry) - Posts: 2093 - 23/08/2010 19:56:37    754168